inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Serendipitous Post – Name a Phase in Life That Was Difficult to Let Go Of – I Bought JLO’s “This is Me Now” Tickets

I say this because I am going to the concert in the summer alone, which is scary considering the world we live in, but it won’t stop me from saying goodbye to an era by seeing an Icon in concert that I grew up with.

I saw Jennifer Lopez a lot when I lived in the Bronx in the mid-90s. I used to ride the 6 train to work from a station not too far away from Castle Hill Avene where she used to live. She was big in dance studios back then, always practicing, relentless at what she wanted in life. I wanted to be a dancer too, but let’s face it, my experience only came from Salsa and Bachata at half the Latin clubs in NYC with my fake ID. Who was I kidding?

I listened to “This is Me Now,” the single on her newest album in 10 years tonight, and I realized how much we actually have in common. My quest for love drove me most of my life. I ignored every red flag, throwing myself into failed relationship after failed relationship, because like JLO said, “they asked me what I wanted to be, and a woman in love is what I wanted to grow up to be.” I wanted love SO badly, absolutely every waking moment, that I pushed my dreams aside, my career aside, even my health aside for this quest of blissful matrimony I always wanted.

So, what’s the phase that I want to let go of? The “Love” phase of my life as I call it. It’s the time period between 2005-2019 – 15 years of unrelented searching, because honestly, those were such dark years. I looked up a past blog, and the things I wrote about were so heartbreaking, that I couldn’t imagine why or how I did that to myself. During this “Love” phase, I hurt so bad, I gave myself to men, I had no respect for myself, and when I FINALLY found someone to love me completely, he led me down a road of sex, drugs, addiction, and incarceration and crime. So much for happily ever after, with my loving husband.

Today, I realize that “Love” is just a state of mind. If you have it, more power to you, I’m happy for you. For me, it was an obsession. I used to agonize that I was too fat and ugly to ever find someone to love me, not only am I much FATTER now, but my husband loved me no matter what size I was, which is the way it should be.

Today, I have entered a new phase of life. I have put jail and rehab behind me, I even sent my husband back to New York to stay with his family, while I start a new life in another state. And I find it serendipitous that the daily prompt tonight is this topic, because tonight when I was scrolling through Facebook, I saw the ad for JLO’s upcoming concert in the summer. I was hesitant at first, I mean years ago I would have jumped on this opportunity, but like I mentioned, being in the city and going to a big concert like that alone might not be the best idea, but I think I owe to myself to close that era of my life by supporting the woman who I loved watching evolve over the years. Through her movies and music, I always saw JLO as a dreamer of love, much like myself. So, I am going to the city and renting a hotel room and spending a night celebrating myself. (I will be sure to check in with friends and family throughout the night, so don’t worry).

I am turning 44 this year, and for the first time in my life, I am completely independent with my own home, car, career, friends and family after spending 20 years stuck in a loop in hospitals of the mental health system, and incarceration for 10 months thereafter. From a life spiraling downward for so many years, to bouncing back and making a success out of it – I realize that the “Love” I had been pining for so long, was all I needed to give to myself and no one else.

So, at three years sober, I will say “Cheers” (with a mocktail), and here’s to clean living and a bright future, and that difficult phase of life that I had to say goodbye to. I earned my stripes with it, and I needed to go through it to be where I am today. So, with that let me say thank you as well.

Stay tuned.

Daily writing prompt
Describe a phase in life that was difficult to say goodbye to.
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Avoiding the Closet

Where is the one place in the house that you avoid? For me it is the never-ending clutter of the back closet. I have shoved so much crap in there – old clothes, pictures, scrapbooks, everything that I have been trying to shove in the back corner of my life. However, my back closet has spilled over into an entire room of junk. I have no idea why I keep all this stuff or why I haven’t taken the time to clean it out.

The departure of my husband hasn’t helped the situation. I have completely avoided that back room and back closet because the whole thing is too hard to face. It’s becoming difficult because my entire home is clean and tidy except that one back room where I have now concluded is where I hide all my fears and pain that I am trying to avoid.

One of these days I am definitely going to have to face it. In the upcoming months, I will be shipping my husband’s clothes back to him in New York and will have to try and at least tidy up back there as well as tidy up my feelings. I have also concluded that these things are intertwined, and a lot of my avoidant behavior comes from the fact that I don’t like confrontation or even facing my fears or tackling them head on. So, the clutter in my life, (as the daily writing prompt suggests), is both physical as well as mental and will take a lot of hard work to address because my complacency has completely set in. I honestly don’t feel like dealing with it, I feel like hiding from it where it is safe and warm. How do I get myself out of it? Your guess is as good as mine.

Stay tuned.

Bloganuary writing prompt
Where can you reduce clutter in your life?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

I Hope People Say I am Kind

What a wonderful thought isn’t it? Or wouldn’t it be? I know it seems a bit generic, but I believe kindness goes a long way. People aren’t kind anymore at all. In New York, where I am originally from, it is eat or be eaten or basically who can step on one another first – I just never adapted to that or was that type of person.

This daily prompt invoked a thought of a song I used to sing when I was younger that I loved from the early 2000’s; it was called “If I Die Young.” As I think about what I hope people say about me, I also think about what they would say after I die. Would they say nice things? Will people who I have harmed in my addiction and bipolar sprees come back and say I was evil and mean? I try to be a kind person these days, learning a lot from the mistakes of my past. It has a lot to do with being in recovery and remembering to make amends every day. It’s about taking an inventory at night of the wrongs that I may have done during the day and hoping to make it right tomorrow.

We often don’t think about stealing a screw at a Home Depot stealing, or cutting someone off in traffic because we can as a wrongdoing, but it is. And I’m sorry but saying “please” and “thank you” and even “God Bless You” is so important as well. I don’t think people even hold doors open for each other anymore. I don’t know what the world is coming to, but I am going to remain kind and continue to pay it forward for as long as I am alive. I just hope that is what people are saying about me at least.

Stay tuned.

Daily writing prompt
Tell us one thing you hope people say about you.
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Family Guy Strong since 1999.

When it first came out, I was astonished at how brazen it was. It was the dawn of adult cartoons and in this girl’s opinion it led the way. Sure, there were others that were out already that pushed the envelope, but there is no other cartoon like Family Guy.

Of course, growing up I had my favorites. There was He-Man and She-Ra, Thundercats and Voltron and there was even a time in the 90s when X-Men and Batman the Animated Series had my attention. But nothing has lasted the test of time like Family Guy. South Park was also one that I liked and comes in a close second, especially with it’s smart writing, but the loveable characters that I have grown to love over the past 10 years has only grown even further. With surviving cancellation back in 2005, as well as a lack of ideas in recent years, it still is my favorite show in which I can always watch classic episodes and find something funny or that I can relate to.

Even the musical numbers that used to annoy me, I now find heartwarming.

Cheers to you Family Guy and another 20 years in the making!

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
What’s your favorite cartoon?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Daily Prompt 2000 – Why Does Every Little Thing Bother Me?

So come on guys, in this day and age, do you feel like suddenly nearly everything gets on your nerves? Whether it’s the news or the series that sucked on Netflix, to someone rambling on Facebook – something, almost everything seems to be a nuisance. I didn’t want to be this person, as a matter of fact, I am definitely NOT this type of person, but lately I don’t know, I have just been hating everything.

Life seems so much tougher than it was 20 years ago. For me, I think technology is taking over our lives in a way that it is ruining human interactions. I learned a term from a news article today, “phubbing” – the act of snubbing with your phone. How many people do you know have their phone out while you’re at dinner? Have their phone out while you’re hanging out, or even when you’re intimate? Texting in between strokes? How sick is that? Or even when you have that break in your show with commercials, and someone is just texting or swiping away – that’s valuable talk time!

I just think we are losing it and the loneliness will be palpable. We are going to get so closed in with our technology that we will lose ourselves. I know it is happening because that’s how I spent nearly a decade, and it really bothers me. I got so lost in the online world I couldn’t see past my own computer screen. I felt alien, isolated and so lonely. Video games, forums, social media and all that can only bring you just so much satisfaction.

And you know what else bothers me? We don’t even use our phones to make phone calls anymore. You know why? Everybody’s voicemail is always friggin’ full.

Rant over.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Cannot Be Undone

Daily writing prompt
List 10 things you know to be absolutely certain.
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  1. Inflation is a real thing and is not going away.
  2. I am probably going to end up being some kind of convict, and it will be on my record for the next 7 years.
  3. I am definitely not going back to New York.
  4. CDs and DVDs will be in museums.
  5. Coupons need to make a comeback cause DAYUM.
  6. SpaceX is going to launch people to the Moon and Mars and it will end up like that Titanic Tour Disaster.
  7. I will get a job I love by the end of the year.
  8. My husband and I WILL be reunited again.
  9. My phone is going to making decisions for me, (thanks Google and ChatGPT).
  10. Death and Taxes, (oldie but goodie).
inspiredodyssey daily prompt

The Future – Once Laughable to Me, Now Bright and Unlimited

I have no doubt in my mind that I never envisioned a future. I spent nearly two decades from the computer screen of my room, void of friendships and romantic relationships. My relationships mostly consisted of online relationships because I had not gotten over my ex a decade prior. I was holding onto a torch I was refusing to let go of, tormenting my present with ghosts of my past. So, you see, a future was never an option for me because my present daily life was so miserable.

Fast forward twenty years later, I am in my 40s having wasted my youth on broken promises and things “I would get to” but never did. These days I see so many exciting things in my future, because I had pushed myself so far outside of my comfort zone the past two years, that the way I was previously living all those years ago is no longer an option.

I feel excited for the future because I see myself so far outside of the “norm” now. I can’t get into any series on TV, I don’t play video games, and I am no longer glued to a computer screen like I used to be. Where the world has gone “digital,” I have surpassed into something else.

One of the most amazing things I’ve experienced is my connection with God on my long drives. As the music plays and the horizon comes into existence, I feel a remarkable peace and calm that I had never experienced before, and I am so overjoyed to explore that more in my future. I am excited for the career I am building myself into as well as the new home I want to make for me and my husband. Never had I felt a future beyond the “box” I had created for myself all those years ago. It was always, “until I am skinny then I am going to do X, Y, and Z.” Well, I never got skinnier, I just got fatter, but my outlook has completely changed. Jail changed me, rehab changed me, and even though those were the most challenging times in my life, I had never felt more comraderies and connection with the human race than I did my whole life. Even in high school, I was never this close to other women or people in general.

So, in all, what I am most excited about the future? More personal relationships and more interactions with people. Honestly, I have always wanted to be closer to God in so many ways, and I think it’s through people I’ll achieve that.

Here’s to the next chapter!

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Battling Thoughts About the Future. Why Do We Obsess?

What are you most worried about in your future? In simple terms: EVERYTHING! Look at the state of the world in present day, I can’t imagine what the future will hold. It is interesting this daily prompt talks about the future because I have been obsessing about it all morning. Today is 4th of July, and it certainly doesn’t feel like it. I remember a time when I used to be excited about things, ie. birthdays and holidays, but these days not so much anymore. Did we lose the zest for life like we used to have?

I am battling thoughts about my upcoming court date and how it will impact my future. Will I get a conviction which will lead to years of probation? My lawyer says I won’t be going to jail for my horrible charges, but I feel like I am screwed anyway. I feel like any hope of a career is long gone, any retirement savings would be non-existent, and any hope for a normal life down the tubes. Why such a negative attitude though? And what’s with all the obsessing? I guess I have been wired this way by years of negative programming. A world that has become like jello, and where every hard truth is sugar coated with some kind of false hope.

I don’t like the world we live in so I am not hopeful about the future. If I look back at my life, I remember dreams being realized and there was no limit on how much you could accomplish. Now I feel stunted, and in my case reprimanded. I don’t believe in my future because no one will ever hire me, and I don’t want to fall into the bullshit, of “positive affirmations” and “speaking it into existence.” As a jaded person about to face a judge, it looks like a bunch of crap to me. Wow, this all sounds really negative, God help me if I can ever turn all of this around. I really don’t feel hope anymore, I don’t feel joy, and my overall sense of the future is I will end up as a ward of the state stuck in a retirement home, sleeping the days away until I die. What a fucked-up way to look at things, yet somehow it will end up coming true.

I hope my views change someday.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt

The Spiritual Conundrum

How important is spirituality to you in your life?

Not as important as it used to be, and I think it’s because of mind numbing medication. There used to be a sort of childlike love and wonder about how I viewed God and the universe, and now it just falls flat. In a world where there is a prescription for everything, it makes it hard for people to actually feel “spiritual.” I feel like this kind of matter-of-factly way of existing these days, devoid of any sort of pleasure or “spirit.”

Although this may sound like the rantings of a jaded person, it isn’t, I just feel empty. Being in recovery has taught me a different version of God, or now, “higher power,” but I honestly think I have been faking it the whole time and I am seconds away from a drink or drug as soon as all this court stuff lets up. Where I don’t really feel like picking up, I kind of need something to do. Other people have real problems in the world, and I am just taking God’s gifts and blessings for granted like some ungrateful child. I don’t feel the need to help anyone, I don’t want to participate in anything, I just want my husband back – being without him is the center of my sorrow.

The sorrow is a lot stronger than the spirituality is for me because it engulfs my very soul. Being spiritual used to be the center of my universe where I would feel the actual Holy Spirit move through my body giving me a great sense of purpose. But jails and institutions have shown me different – the evil that people do to ruin other’s lives is overwhelming, and I feel like my life is over no matter how hard I try and change it. I feel hopeless. There is no spirit, God tries to reach me, but his voice is so faint among all the sadness.

This is my spiritual conundrum.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt, Life

The Quintessential Necessities For a Good Life

There are some would say the basics: food, shelter, a good job and a significant other are what you need for a good life, but the most important thing is purpose. We can collect as many things as we like – that can include people, but without purpose all of it is meaningless.

I have spent a good part of my life trying figure out the important things that make up a good life and I’ve always fallen short because my purpose was always completely self-serving, never giving to anyone else. I have never seen outside my own selfishness of my existence before and now that I am in a position of giving back, a lot of that has changed.

People have their opinions of charity or service work, if you see someone asking for money the automatic thought sometimes is “they will just use substances or drink with it.” However, everyone has a story of where they’ve been and how they are just trying to survive.

A good life comes from satisfaction in your character every day, clearing out all the mess that you may have done in the day and owning up to your own shortcomings. Going to bed with a clear conscience is a powerful thing – because the burden we carry can only be lifted by our own repentance. Doing the right thing even when no one is looking is a daunting task but can easily enrich your life.

Today, I try to purge myself of that urge to steal a little, lie a little, because who would know right? I know, and eventually it weighs down on my soul. This world feels heavy with a lot of unaccountability, but I do know that there a lot of good people out there living really great lives and I just try to be one of them. This doesn’t mean I am really religious, and deep into AA because I am in recovery, but the principles I have learned through jail and rehab is that the behaviors that caused me to go out there and drink and use drugs was the same reason my life was ultimately destroyed. I have a chance now at a great career, but my charges have held me back, and it makes me realize that everything we do in life has consequences. So why not just do the right thing so the consequences are always positive?

Seems like a win-win to me.

Stay tuned.