inspiredodyssey bipolar, Uncategorized

Alone on Christmas – Want So Bad to Fall into Depression But I am Going To Do Something Different

Take Care of Yourself

I saw this quote on Facebook today, and it really hit home. I spent most of Christmas Eve crying, sleeping, and feeling sorry for myself. Through the stroke of sheer luck and maybe the will of God, I got to see my guy today when I dropped off cigarettes and money his mom gave me to give to him as he was being transferred from one rehab to another. Last night’s drama really ripped me apart inside – because when he called me and said he signed out of rehab and was walking the streets of Queens with all his bags, begging people to use their cell phones to call me and desperately wanting me to pick him up – I truly, truly wanted to pack a bag and just pick him up and drive into the sunset and never look back in the most romantic way possible.

But life teaches us that our consequences will bite us in the ass, which I have learned the hard way with my almost 40 years on this Earth. He is actually 40 years old, which makes me question his thinking, and when his mom kept calling me and texting me not to go pick him and leave him out there, you could actually hear my heart breaking. What I did was convince him to go back inside and work it out with them – he just desperately wants to leave and be with me, remorseful of all he’s done, and where I once thought our love could conquer anything, it can’t conquer his addiction.

I swore to myself I would never date an addict, especially since I abandoned my fiance when I was 19 to his addiction and moved on – I’m selfish and a hard person, and honestly I used to have a real problem with alcohol, so why would I take that on? You know why I am doing this now? Love didn’t just hit me this time – it straight up slammed me right in my face and knocked me over. I truly believe now that we don’t choose the ones we fall in love with – if we are looking, if our souls are calling out to the universe for the one who will complete us and ease the aching in our heart and when we get that true love, life shows us that holding on to that movie love is far from easy. I know I have movie love, only because we both are holding to each other so damn tightly – with a desperation that critics would judge us for – but dammit I fucking love this man and I am going to stand by him.

I’ve come full circle over the past 20 years, and I know that it won’t be easy. I might hate him, I might curse him, he may leave me crying on the floor to go get high – but I am in it for the long haul. Call it blind faith – call it being completely stupid – but this Christmas Eve, I am taking care of me – and while he’s been there and I’ve been waiting by the phone, instead of falling headfirst into a depression in full bipolar form – I’ve decided to write about it, stay active on a support forum, reach out to friends I haven’t spoken to in a while and keeping busy through Christmas. I may be alone without him and missing him terribly, but I did get to kiss him one last time for the next 30 days, and I am hoping he gets the help he needs.

Merry Christmas to you all, and if you have someone special in your life this year, please kiss them and hug them for me tightly – I wish so bad to be with my baby tonight and I am totally jealous.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey bipolar, Uncategorized

A New Love, Great Sex, And Fire Like “Love the Way You Lie” by Eminem

lust

I’ve never heard more truth in recent weeks, than a line from a song that goes, “That’s what happens when a Tornado meets a Volcano,” because it describes the kind of intensity and dysfunction of my new relationship. I have no business being with this man. He is a drug addict, a street thug, and everything I know in my heart I never wanted. But…..yes, there’s that BUT – the But is: the man loves me more intensely than any man I have never known in my life.

The sex is out of this world. The night we spent in a hotel a week ago, still plays in my mind of how he fucked me four times in one night without even breaking a sweat. The passion and intensity are real, and I wonder: Is it because we are both screwed up in the head the reason there is such fire between us? I am no one to judge anyone’s habits – I have spent the past decade drowning in bottles of Jack Daniels, frequent trips to psych wards, and not making a decent living at anything because I just gave up at life. I am no prize to be had by any man, and the man I loved for a decade always kept me at arm’s length, leaving the door open for this new love to swoop in sweep me off of my feet.

I love him, intensely too. My tears, when I curse at him, yell at him, he doesn’t fight back, which is a plus, he tries to reason with me is another plus. The most I have seen him angry at me is when he said to me: “I am going to put a fuckin’ gun to my head if I lose you, Lynn,” and in all honesty, I believe him. This relationship isn’t what I would call toxic; it is more explosive – our sex, our arguments, our passion, the intensity of his kisses – all of it – brings me back to wanting more and more. Maybe I am the drug addict too – maybe he is my cocaine and crack, and I just can’t get enough of the exquisite pain of this relationship.

He’s promised me that he’ll stop, but I don’t know if I believe him. If I abandon him, it WILL destroy him, so I have to push on and play Russian Roulette with him. He’s only relapsed once or twice in the past two months, so I thank my lucky stars that he isn’t a daily user like I was a daily alcoholic.

I think the fact that we are both damaged makes everything about us and our relationship ridiculously intense.

That and our Sex is on Fire. Literally.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey bipolar

When You Cross The Line and Just, Well, Implode

a.baa-Ruff-Day

Today, was a bad day.  Have you ever let anything really minor upset you terribly? Things are so out of your control and power that you implode and show the worst parts of yourself to your significant other? How do you recover from the embarrassment from something like that? I know my partner isn’t mad at me, but I know I really let him down tonight.

I have always kept money out of my relationship. For almost 9 years, money was never an issue for me and I never brought it up to my partner. I would have always had enough to cover birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas and even an unforeseen expense in which I would show my partner, “I got this,” even though I’m on a very fixed income of disability.

I was on the road to recovery last year. Everything was working out; I finally fixed my credit score and history, I was just approved for an $8000 loan, and I had made it to the top of the list for a job in my county because I aced a Civil Service Exam. All my dreams were coming true and I could finally put my whole history of this horrible bipolar disorder, hospitalizations, debt and overall ugliness of the past 11 years behind me.

Until “IT” happened. The thing that we as bipolar victims dread most in life – an episode happens whether it be manic or depressed, that literally destroys EVERYTHING you worked so damn hard to achieve. It’s horrible what happens to us as mental health victims, (and I call us victims because of all the suffering associated with this dreaded curse of ours), but it’s not only the trauma but its the stigma that we deal with day after day for the rest of our lives from society, our community, family and peers.

The worst thing in the world happened to me when I had made such progress in my life and was about to embark on a career, good credit, and future. I had a severe manic episode that led to a ten-month hospitalization. It was no one’s fault, these things just happen right? I mean that’s what all the doctors can come up with – so it’s like here: we’ll give you all these medications for a life sentence of bipolar, but they may or may not work one day and your whole life may be destroyed by an episode.

WTF???????

Exactly my thoughts.

Anyway, back to crossing the line with my partner. Needless to say my credit was destroyed because I couldn’t pay my bills for ten months from the hospital, (there is no credit forgiveness if you’re hospitalized and “bonus,” if you want that kind of credit protection it costs about $30 a month PER card), the Civil Service Office gave away my job to the next one in line, and I was completely screwed.

As part of the rebuilding of my life, I have started investing in my writing career, I am in school for Business Management and I have been trying to get some classes to brush up on my Microsoft Office skills, so things were looking up,

UNTIL…..

Here comes the bipolar panic:

I saw a course for Excel on sale for $34 tonight, and I realized I don’t have $34 to my name. I have $22 on one credit card, $16 on another one and $10 in the bank UNTIL AUGUST 3rd. It would be nice if they let you split payments like in the old days, but they don’t today. How did I let it get this bad??? Why are my finances so OUT OF CONTROL?? I haven’t been manic or spending a lot, how is it that I’m THIS BROKE with no kind of back-up???

I started crying, ready to kill myself over this Excel course and the fact that I have no money, no savings, and my partner saw all that. For the first time in my relationship, I have been asking him for money, and I feel terrible about it. Wouldn’t you want a partner who is financially responsible and not a trainwreck? I would. I would dump me if I was with me.

Anyway, I let it get out of hand because all week I have been trying to get this course, and all I had been hitting is ridiculous roadblocks – no one at my current school would help me find out about these kinds of courses no matter how many times I called or who I spoke to, apparently since I was assigned a Student Services Advisor no one was allowed to help me but her. Okay, so what if the woman decides to never return my phone calls or emails all day? EXACTLY. And earlier in the week, I drove all the way out to my old Business school, (apparently you’re not allowed to find out about refresher courses over the phone you have to do them in person), so I wasted gas, time and energy for them to tell me the refresher Office courses won’t be available for another 5 months? And I was not allowed to hear this information over the phone…….why again??? WHAT???

I guess the frustration built up to a complete breaking point. The urgency of the matter is I need to move out on my own by next year. I had literally wasted about 11 years in a bipolar haze living on disability, living with my parents, thinking what? That they would take care of me forever?

I guess the moral of this whole story is, ALWAYS PLAN FOR YOUR FUTURE ladies and gentlemen. I am SO unbelievably lucky that my family was here to weather this bipolar storm with me; I have suffered so long with it, and just when I think I’m okay, something Holy Catastrophic happens. Guess that’s life right? Yeah, I guess. But serioously WTF???

If you guys can relate to any of this madness, please hit me with a like, it would really make my night. 🙂

Stay Tuned.