inspiredodyssey Life

Letting Go and Living the Life I Prayed For

I’ve done a lot of the “daily prompts” lately, so I thought I would change it up a bit. Being a recovered bipolar and now sober three and a half years, looking back on my life and where I am going now has been a beautiful thing. My boyfriend is absolutely amazing and is a man that I have always dreamed about being with. Not only is he heartbreakingly handsome, but he is one of the kindest, caring, smartest, calmest, and most responsible men I have ever met. There is a big issue with his daughter though; she suffers with severe mental illness and is the main reason why we can’t physically be together right now. However, I am taking the time to let the relationship progress, and despite a recent breakup, I’m hanging on tight. He is worth loving, and I am worth the happiness I have always wanted, so a little time and patience is all that is really needed.

I haven’t heard from my ex’s mom in a few weeks – the last time we spoke, she told me he had been sent back to a mental hospital for a fourth time in two months after several nights of using drugs in the street and going back and forth to the terrible neighborhood that he’s always known. It hasn’t been going well for him, he has gotten beat up pretty badly several times, and even lost the suit he was going to wear to our wedding – that broke my heart completely because I still have my wedding dress. I love him so much still – I have been thinking about him a lot lately, and as I am growing closer to God and my church, I am wondering if spiritually the Universe is trying to tell me something. I have been hearing “Green Eyes” by Coldplay a lot lately on my Pandora rotation, and not only does that song upset my boyfriend, but it would also upset him more to know that I cry and think about my ex every time it comes on. He sang that song to me when we were together, and he told me he used to sing that song to himself all the time in jail when he thought of me – during that time we were both incarcerated in the same detention center, and I was still holding on to a hope of a future with him, despite all the bad shit that had happened.

Since coming off of probation, and my ex receiving the last letter I sent, I think it’s time to let him go. I want him to find peace, and as I think about what I really feel, feelings of dread erupt in me, because I do not wish him death – but honestly, that’s his only way out right now. He runs to the streets every chance he gets; he is getting beat up so badly out there now and losing so much weight, he has become a ghost of the man I fell in love with all those years ago. He is going to get killed out there, and I often wonder if he does, indeed, have a death wish. I can only imagine what he’s feeling – last night I found myself in tears thinking of the nights that he laid next to me holding me tight and begging me never to leave him. I promised I never would, and as tears come in my eyes now, I feel like such a piece of crap for breaking that promise amidst all his suffering now. I wanted nothing more than to always take care of him, and as I battle the never-ending struggle with my weight, I realize that none of that ever mattered when I was with him – and that full acceptance of all that I am, came directly from his love for me. Now I know, you are all thinking, “you don’t need a man to justify who you are or your beauty,” but dammit it helps, and even though my boyfriend now loves me with everything in him, he hasn’t been with my physically every day like my ex was, so that fear of rejection is still ever present.

So today, as I live the life I have always prayed for, despite this whole weight issue, I think back on my ex and our life and how much I really needed him as much as he needed me. I would have never left New York, never left my parent’s house, and never gotten a life of my own and the independence I had always dreamed about. Today I have real-life friends who I actually spend time with, I am around REAL people, and I am off the internet and out in the real world as much as possible. I also have such a full life and the relationship with my parents and family that I have always wanted. Today, I get to show up and be relied upon, I am sober and proud, and on so little medication, I don’t even consider myself bipolar anymore, just recovered. From the years of the endless revolving door of the mental hospitals, the years of the drinking and drugging, the years of self-abuse, self-neglect, and self-destruction, I have finally come through to the other side, and tomorrow never looked brighter and fuller of opportunity. So, I think it’s time I put Giovanni away for good. I love him, but I have to move forward.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Where I Have Been and Where I am Going

Upon thinking about it, the most important thing that motivates me not reliving the desolation and depression I faced years ago. I remember what I went through, and it pushes me forward every day. There was a time where I just slept, ate, scoured the internet searching for a man, engaged in despicable acts with the ones I found, and just felt horrible about myself. In between all that I mixed alcohol with my psych meds, going through an endless cycle in the mental health system.

Thinking about that life, it motivates me to stay sober, take care of myself, and push forward to the future. Yesterday was a hard day because after therapy all these feelings came out about what it would take to make me happy. I mean, I have an amazing life now, but my weight, my horrible weight, in which I blew up 50 pounds in just three short months, has been the most excruciating part of my everyday life. What is ironic, is that the same weight issue is what has held me back from living my life years ago as well, despite the fact that I was 70 pounds less than I am now.

Having horrible thyroid issues has been my Achilles heel in losing this weight. My doctor recently told me that she is not surprised at all that the scale isn’t moving at all despite all the gym visits and dieting I have been doing. It is more than discouraging, but it is not as debilitating as it used to be. What motivates me to get out of bed every morning, (and make my bed so I don’t jump back in it when tempted to just lay down and hide from the world), is that I have the life I have always prayed for, and I never want to slide back into the past. The endless loop of despair and remembering the days and nights drinking my woes away – even the mornings at 11am at Applebee’s ordering endless Long Island Iced Teas, lying to waitstaff that I had just come off a stressful night shift. And of course, I would wait for the alcohol to wear off during the day before I took my night psych meds to go to sleep – all of this led to multiple hospitalizations because of the deadly combination of drugs and drinking.

Remembering all of that, motivates to push forward and stay sober. I am on much less psych meds for my bipolar disorder, (even though I don’t even think I’m bipolar, just an alcoholic), but I know in my heart where I never want to be again. As far as the weight goes, I think I won’t let it be the entire focus of my life anymore and dictate how I live every day. I mean it was so bad at one time that I didn’t even leave the house or date because I thought I was so fat and ugly. I am so glad to not be in that headspace again, although, being much fatter than I was then affects me a lot sometimes.

My overall motivation is also directly to my current relationship – I want to be in a much better place mentally and physically for when my boyfriend finally gets here, and we start our life together. After all those years of wanting a good man who loves me, I finally got the relationship I’ve always wanted – everything else will just fall into place.

Stay tuned.

Daily writing prompt
What motivates you?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

The Joy of Writing : )

The words, oh the so many beautiful words that come across the screen as they enter my mind. The beauty, the nostalgia, the excitement the sheer joy it brings! I love being able to express myself, I love sharing my story, I love that people read them and enjoy them, most of all, the sheer therapy of it all is monumental.

I will never forget the days of my early journaling, and when I created my first blog – of how much pain used to be written down and expressed to now being able to feel the freedom and power of overwhelming peace that has taken over my life.

Everything I write now is with purpose and intentional, and to me it’s the most beautiful kind of art that exists in this world.

Stay tuned.

Daily writing prompt
What do you enjoy most about writing?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

A Beneficial Positive Emotion – Gratitude

When we think positive emotions we feel the most often – it’s usually happy, excited, even ecstatic – but what about gratitude? I have come to find out that gratitude is the one I feel the most because it is directly related to all my positive vibes and happiness.

I honestly feel the “idea” of gratitude is often beaten to death in the mainstream society we live in; people say make gratitude lists and practice gratitude, but do they even know why they are doing it, or what it’s even for? To me, being grateful has saved me time and time again, especially from falling into a deep abyss into depression over my weight and failed marriage. There is a lot that I hate about my life, but who doesn’t these days? Money is tighter than ever, my boyfriend lives far away, and there is so much I want to do that I am unable to accomplish. BUT – when I do that, I miss out on all the amazing things and people I have in my life, that’s where the gratitude comes in.

So, I practice it often, and mainly every day. The most amazing thing is, the more I practice it, the more positive things happen and come into my life. Yesterday was pretty tough, because I have a lot of issues with “punishment” when it comes to God and faith so when I was on my way to work, my tires went flat and had to go get them fixed. I felt, of course, that I was being punished for some of the seedy things that I have been doing that haven’t been the most holy. My path to faith has been a good one so far though, directly in line with my boyfriend’s faith – another reason why I am so grateful every day. But that feeling of “punishment” and not being good enough comes back time and time again because of my past religious background, and how I view God, but that growth will come in time.

So, in the meantime, I am continuing to create a positive space by expressing unwavering gratitude.

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
What positive emotion do you feel most often?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Peace in Sobriety, Paying it Forward, and Helping Others

In an endless loop of mental institutions and instability, my only salvation was to become sober or die trying. Many people in recovery often talk about the fact that becoming sober was no longer a choice, that rock bottom wasn’t even where they were at, it was that they were literally knocking on death’s door.

I am very much in the same place. What bring me peace is staying sober and passing the message on the next addict/alcoholic. I mean the principles being AA teach that very thing, but the reason behind it is that it brings peace and total serenity to the teacher. My life was chaotic for so many years, just endless nonsense of angst and frustration – and as I mentioned in a previous post, when I was looking back at some of the old threads I made on a mental health website, it made me painfully aware of how out of control my life was.

The main culprit: drugs and alcohol. I didn’t start using cocaine until I was 40, but the alcohol use screwed up my brain bad enough to the point in which I was in constant torment of myself and others. People don’t take sobriety seriously; many believe that weed isn’t even that bad – I am here to tell you that ANY substance that alters your mind in its natural state, will rob you of any peace and calmness you seek. We are not MEANT to be high; a human’s brain is not built for that; we are built for community and fellowship – we should be getting high on the endorphins we get from good feelings created by good deeds or a really good workout.

Sound like buzzkill yet? GOOD! Your ass doesn’t need to get buzzed. Living a peaceful life isn’t about getting lost in a fantasy created by chemicals created in a lab to create an altered state. That’s a temporary peace, one which you will be chasing all your life to get, much to the detriment of others and yourself. Also, it depends on your definition of peace as well. For me, the satisfaction of teaching felons and convicts the skills they need to land the job they thought they could never get brings me peace. The inspiration that I instill in a newly sober brother or sister with sharing my story brings me peace. And of course, the fellowship in my AA homegroup and the participation in my church gives me the ultimate peace.

Stillness, and calmness comes from being able to say to yourself: I don’t need this TV on for 10 hours straight binging something on Netflix, and I don’t need to scroll for hours on ten-second reels and videos because my attention span is pretty much now fried from it. All I need is a good book, (with actual pages), and a small lamp escaping into imagination in the silence of the night. To some, this may be a boring existence, but to me it’s a nirvana that I have been searching for my whole life.

Stay tuned.

Daily writing prompt
What brings you peace?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

In the Eye of the Storm

How would my blog change the world? With one epiphany and one nugget of truth at a time. Today’s epiphany is awareness – mostly awareness of how powerless we all really are in the face of mother nature and the world. I know for a fact that I am powerless over alcohol, (thank you Step 1 of AA), but as the winds whip on my window and the rain pounds down in all of Debby’s rage – I realize the more control I let go of, the more at peace I will be.

I am very scared right now, and I was for most of the night last night. I am all alone here in my house, with no real defense against an attack of this magnitude, one of which I can’t control but I just have to ride it out. I have faced so many catastrophes in my life, and I have always persevered, one of which was Hurricane Sandy when I lived in New York. I have to say, nothing is mightier than the Hand of God to remind you just how small you really are.

The nugget in this blog that will change the world today? A message of hope – just hope. This world seems so bereft of that idea, or that it even exists. When I knocked on God’s door for an answer, (Matthew 7:7 and Luke 11:9), he didn’t answer, for a very long time. I knocked and I knocked for close to 15 years and was met with what I thought was silence. Back and forth in the mental institutions did I find myself, drowning in a bottle of booze, unable to even hold a job, say nothing of even dreaming of the independence I have today, or a future for myself. How did I overcome that? A major shift, a major change, God answering the door and allowing me to walk out of the darkness. But it came with a price. I did fall in love, the one thing I had been waiting for, for so long and so many years, scouring the online dating world with no luck whatsoever. My husband had finally come and swept me off of my feet, leading me on an adventure of sex, drugs, incarceration and humiliation, that would change my life forever – it ultimately led me to the salvation that I am experiencing today.

Salvation, hope, surrender, redemption and ultimately forgiveness – those are the messages that will change the world, the messages that I am trying to convey. As I have been typing this, my phone went from screaming extreme tornado warnings, and dangerous rain and wind, to a calm like none I have felt since this storm first landed. I know that’s when tornadoes usually strike, but I can face it now, alone and strong, more than I ever could during the winds of Hurricane Sandy when I was drunk and broken so many years ago.

As the storms of my life have raged, so have the storms of nature, and I cannot tell you what it’s like to finally know peace after so much turmoil, perpetual heartbreak, and disappointment. The only thing that turned it around was one simple thing, one simple act, one simple belief: Faith. Not only in God but more in myself. Interesting that the lights just flickered as I typed that, and my heart just jumped a bit.

Checkmate.

The battle to win the storm may still be going, but at least I know the battle for my soul is won.

Stay tuned.

Daily writing prompt
What change, big or small, would you like your blog to make in the world?
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inspiredodyssey Life

Tropical Storm Debby and Finally Growing Up

So, as this storm barrels toward my new home state of North Carolina, I am learning a lot about what it’s like to finally grow up. I had experienced Hurricane Sandy in New York, and even though I was hunkering down scared in my basement, this new experience of living on my own as this deadly storm approaches, is seeming to be even scarier. There are so many things that are scary, so many more fears I have to deal with since my newfound independence, and I am just learning that it is all part of finally growing up without my parents. Of course, my mom and dad said I could definitely come over as Debby rolls in, but I am choosing to fight it out and do this on my own – besides I know this is just the beginning of hurricane season and there will be many more storms I will have to contend with.

The big factor in all of this is the Californian. I read an old post here: “Sacrificing Yourself to Make Someone Else Happy” and I realized how much has happened between now and then. I sacrificed so much of myself to make my ex-husband happy, I never realized what a real healthy relationship could be like. I have done so much growing up since that last relationship. The Californian is teaching me that there are men out there who don’t do drugs and alcohol and can be responsible and loving. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and as I look at old blogs and the journey I have gone on to finally find him, it is all so monumentally astonishing. I spent 15 years just combing the internet from a tiny room in my parent’s house, searching and searching for Mr. Right. So many online dates, so many dating apps and websites, so many hours in therapy talking about the same thing over and over again – “who’s the new guy today, Lynn?” “Oh you know, some guy I met on the internet,” – just endless conversations like this with my therapist at the time; If only he can see me now, and how far I’ve come – may he rest in peace.

If I could only see myself now from back then, and the adventure that finally led up to my lifelong dream of being on my own and living the life I have always prayed for. Who knew that all those days before therapy that I would go drink in my favorite restaurant, walk up the steps to sit in an empty church, and just pray for deliverance, for a man, for a future, for a purpose – that years later God would say – “you have to face 10 months of hardship in jail during COVID, 15 months in a homeless shelter getting clean, and then 9 months in a crazy sober living house with women who were calling 911 almost every night.” I mean Steve Harvey says an amazing truth – “if God told you what you had to go through to get what you have now, you would have been like nah, I’ll skip that part!” LOL – We all know that to be true. God won’t tell us or show us our path because it isn’t always easy, or we have to travel the more difficult road – but it has led me here finally, and I am entirely grateful, not at all regretful of the heartache and pain it took to get here.

Most of all, I would like to say this about my ex-husband – my heart and soul is with him today. Not only did he get beat up once in Hempstead, but TWICE, and the second time was worse, with two black eyes, a broken nose left with no shirt and shoes and couldn’t even get on the train to go home. The drugs have taken him, he can’t let go – and knowing that when we were running around in those streets of New York together that we never got hurt like that, makes me ache because I am not there to protect him anymore. Being raised in Brooklyn taught me what to look out for, and now that he’s all alone out there with his scattered mind and untreated schizophrenia scouring the streets for drugs, my heart is just breaking. But I can’t help him anymore, look where it led me. No, I have to grow up, and part of growing up is letting go. May God be with him today, as I say a little prayer for him as this storm looms closer to my town.

It’s time to face the storm, face the fear, and finally Let Go.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Making Your Bed Every Morning Challenge – It Can Make Quite the Impact

It’s become a habitual thing, and you have NO IDEA what a difference it has made in my life. A morning routine is very important, and I didn’t realize how much being institutionalized for almost three years has changed me into having one. But you know, people say that it is the small things in life that make a big difference, and I think the simple of act of forcing myself to make my bed every morning has made a significant impact on my life.

Routines in recovery are important. Being almost four years sober, through the Grace of God, I have noticed that having a morning and evening routine has greatly impacted my overall well-being, as well as my mental health. Not only do I consider myself a recovered alcoholic, but I also consider myself a recovered bipolar too – much like Susana Kaysen was diagnosed at the end of “Girl Interrupted” – she was released from an institution as a recovered “Borderline.” A lot of this “recovered” status of mine has to do with regular routines, and systematic structure. My days and weeks are basically all planned out – I have set schedules for everything I do, which includes, work, volunteering, mom and dad visits, church, sponsorship, and my AA homegroup – throw in some randomness like last-minute shopping and adventures with friends, my life is pretty much set in structure. It’s really important to keep things like that going because it keeps you accountable, and it also doesn’t really allow the days of boredom and nothingness to set in where you can easily slip into a state of depression and isolation. Living alone is hard, and a lot of us can actually fall in on ourselves if we allow it.

I have determined that this simple act of making my bed every morning is the MOST important thing that brings me the most joy. In fact, if I forget or don’t have time to make it, it actually ends up bothering me for an entire day. I almost feel silly sometimes because I have a ton of pillows as a person living alone, (much like Ben Stiller in “Along Came Polly”), and I find myself taking a bunch of pillows on and off my bed every morning and every night when I am ready to sleep. But that’s not what matters the most – I think it is all psychological. Being able to walk back and forth from my bedroom and seeing a freshly made bed gives me an immense sense of joy because it represents a vision of order in my life which had previously been such chaos. Also, like I mentioned, being in jails, homeless shelters, rehab and sober living residences for a few years where we were all pretty much FORCED into having a neat bed for daily inspection, it became a mostly unconscious habit as well.

So yeah, I recommend testing yourself to this challenge of making your bed every morning if your life is in complete chaos and you’re trying to get yourself in somewhat some sense of order and routine. I think it’s the first step to some real-life stability. You will really notice the difference! I sure have.

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
Describe one habit that brings you joy.
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