inspiredodyssey Uncategorized

Here Come the Holidays ….

So, I always made a big deal of Christmas, but for most holidays I was always alone. My family never really celebrated, (other than Christmas morning), so there was never anything to really get excited about. HOWEVER, in a wonderful, blissful, turn of events, I will be spending the upcoming holidays with Mr. California watching so many amazing TV shows, cartoons, and movies.

We planned it last year when he selflessly sent me two hard drives filled to the max with tons and tons of tv shows, movies and cartoons, from nostalgic years to present blockbusters. I was floored – it was the best present anyone had ever given me, and it must have taken countless hours of ripping DVDs, (and even VHS), onto media files to fill these hard drives. He even sent me a Samsung DVD player that has a USB port, so I can play the media files on. SO THOUGHTFUL!! *Swoon* But alas, we never found time last year because we were busy camming on Skype, (RIP. I hate you Microsoft), or time on the phone just falling more and more in love.

Fast forward to this year, where circumstances have things really different now; Skype is gone, and we just have all this time on the phone to hang out and watch things together. The latest thing has been Stargate SG-1. I never watched the show, and Mr. California has every season on DVD. We started out with him Dropboxing me episodes as we watched them, but I found out that Amazon Prime had every season, along with every season of Stargate: Atlantis, (I want to tackle that next), so we started watching there, (hate the commercials though).

On a good note, I really got into the Christmas spirit today because I am a huge action figure and doll collector, and I thought it would be cool if I can get him an action figure from the series for Christmas. The problem is these action figures are extremely rare because SG-1 never made enough of them. So, I found myself buying a $130 action figure for him, which is WAY beyond what I had in my Christmas budget for him, but I honestly thought would be really cool. Also, I am going to get a nice clear display case to send too, because hey, he better keep it safe! Also, as a side Christmas present for myself, (I already overdid it by buying myself a retro PS2), I got the female lead in Stargate SG-1 – who his action figure is in love with. So, he has the boy, and I have the girl, how cute!

Okay, I realize all of that sounds completely crazy because things are so tight money wise right now, but you know, the memories I am making with him I can’t put a price tag on.

And I didn’t even tell you the best part! I am really looking forward to Halloween! Part of the stuff he gave me on the hard drive was a File Folder called “Halloween and SPOOKY things,” I love that! There is so much in there, like Scooby Doo stuff, Charlie Brown Stuff, Ghostbusters and Beetlejuice stuff, Evil Dead Stuff, and tons of fun stuff to watch this Halloween season! He said he was going to make a list, and I should make a list, so we can come together and figure out what we want to watch together in the month of October. I am so excited! And of course, when the spooky stuff is over, we will look forward to December and all the Christmas stuff. I can’t tell you the joy it would bring me to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” with him – it’s my all-time favorite Christmas movie.

So yeah, things definitely look different after my manic episode last year, but at least I get to explore so many new things with Mr. California now, that I am so excited about. I have also learned more about his moodiness, his silence, his stress, all his worries, and all the things he says he hates about himself that ruin all his relationships. Little does he know, I am in it for the long haul, and he has my heart directly in his hands.

Here’s to a great holiday season!

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
How do you celebrate holidays?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Two Weeks of Bliss

I am going to talk to this beautiful man again, like I have been for the last two weeks. Every evening has been filled with love, laughter, Stargate SG1, Batman or Justice League cartoons, Fraggle Rock, or some other cool show that is from the hard drive(s) he gave me for my birthday and updated a few months ago. I am falling more and more in love with Mr. California – and it looks like we have finally made a breakthrough.

Things were rough the past 9 months. When I came out of the psych ward in January, it had been months since I talked to or heard from him. His last words of “I don’t know you, I don’t know who you are, who are you??!!” echoed in my head for months as we communicated strictly through email because I was blocked, (I am still blocked, but I have made peace with that, it’s just his boundaries now). But during those months, I used to just wait and wait for an email, and my days and nights were so tormented. Anything the Italian Stallion, (my ex-husband), had done was nothing compared to the months of torment I endured just hanging on a thread, waiting around for an email that sometimes never came.

I will admit, sometimes I used to think of the Italian Stallion on the nights when Mr. California was silent, but then I quickly shook myself back to my senses. The Italian Stallion may have been the best sex I had up until Mr. California, but nothing would ever cause me to go backwards.

These days, things are really good. Last month, my heartstrings were being torn apart because the more me and Mr. California would talk, (and sometimes have sex), the more I wanted to be with him, and the more his walls were refusing to come down. But recently, when things were getting really bad, I just came out and asked him if he had someone else, which I think totally took him by surprise. Since then, he has called every night and been completely consistent and present, and my heart is soaring with joy. Also, the nights of passion have helped, which were initially fueled by the many sexy pictures I kept sending him – which is his greatest weakness. His latest picture had me soaring too, only because it’s been so long since I’ve seen him, our camming days are long over. I still remember the night he just plain out nixed that idea.

So, what am I doing this evening? Hopefully, it’s another night of bliss with my Mexican Riker, (Star Trek the Next Generation), he wears that beard so well – *swoon*

I also have to make more blog posts; my blog has been severely lacking lately. I need to keep more records of all of this other than my YouTube channel.

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
What are you doing this evening?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Heartbreak – A Vicious Cycle

Today’s prompt asks, “what am I feeling right now”? Ultimate Heartbreak is the best answer. I am in love with a man that loved me so much once, one that helped get over the loss of my husband, one who promised to love and take care of me, but who now gaslights me and breadcrumbs me with scraps like a dog. I can’t express the pain of what I feel – by not having the strength to let go of someone who longer loves me, who is left begging every night with emails and voicemails, only to go to sleep heartbroken with a pillow full of tears. He still calls me, and keeps in contact with me, but only at the bare minimum. When I say it’s like he treats me like a dog he’s giving scraps to, it’s not an exaggeration at all. Everyone says, “just block him and move on,” but don’t you think if it was that easy, I would have done it already?

I am too worthless to break free. Today I am going to Confession and tell Father that my heartbreak is taking me away from God. I know God has plans for me that I can’t see or understand, but I know He wouldn’t want me living my life this way. I spent so long in darkness when I lived in NY, and now to do a repeat of those dark years finally living on my own seems so sad and is no way to live. Why do I put my value and worth on what a man thinks of me or feels for me? Can I not learn to live alone and enjoy my freedom and independence?

It is noon on a Saturday, and I have a whole day ahead of me. My best friend usually spends his whole day watching TV, I am starting to learn something from him- I currently have been reminiscing with Xena: Warrior Princess and will probably read some of my Star Wars book later. You know, I don’t have pressure, I don’t have stress, all my needs are met, and I have a mom and dad that love me and sacrificed everything for me. Why can’t I just be grateful? Why did I let this man come into my life and destroy me in such a way? My ex-husband was so toxic and basically destroyed my life, and now I am headed down a similar path in all my self-destruction. I want to look back on this and remember that I have been given all the opportunities in the world to enjoy my life, but I choose to stay wallowing in pain.

I don’t want to live like this anymore.

This is my cry for help.

Please make it stop.

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
How are you feeling right now?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

What I’ve Been Excited About Lately

Life has been pretty interesting lately. The Edgar Allen Poe Speakeasy came to town, and GalaxyCon was a blast. Of course, the most exciting part of my day is always getting a phone call from Mr. California, who sets my heart on fire every time. It was nice of the legendary Sid Krofft to get on the phone with him when I was at GalaxyCon, it was a real treat for us both – also, it was nice to see some of his walls come down during these past few months.

Our relationship is such a precarious complicated one. The late-night laughs, the hours of banter and watching our favorite shows – I am finally experiencing Stargate SG-1 with him, and it has been so much fun. There are also so many cartoons I have been enjoying with him, snippets and snapshots of my childhood coming through, as I experience all of that with him. More on that in a bit –

The Edgar Allen Poe Speakeasy was definitely a test of my sobriety. I am so glad I had my bestie with me there and was so glad that she’s sober too. They served a drink with each tale being performed – Pale Blue Ice for Tell Tale Heart, The Cat’s Meow, (which was my favorite), for The Black Cat, some citrusy thing for The Raven, and a 100-proof Vodka drink called Red Death that had rose petals in it for The Masque of the Red Death. We had the non-alcoholic versions of those drinks, and I was kind of sad about it. I wish I could be able to drink responsibly and enjoy things, but it’s just not the same for a person like me. I didn’t mourn it too much, because the crowd was getting rowdy and my friend basically ran to her car to get away from all the stumbling patrons. Honestly, I think I would have been on the floor if I had the alcoholic version of those drinks. Still, the acting was incredible, and we had such a good time.

The same could be said about GalaxyCon which was jam packed with fun things to see, but I got stuck in a line for nearly four hours waiting for William Shatner. It was worth it though, because he’s 94, and Captain Kirk may not be around too much longer to give autographs. It was a rare opportunity that I had to take. I did get a chance to meet Billy Zane, who was very dashing, and like I mentioned earlier, I spent a lot of time with Sid Krofft and we talked about Land of the Lost and all the other cool shows he did in the 70s. He’s up there in age too, at 96, so that might have been my last chance to see him too. I was really happy he got to talk to Mr. California though, too bad my best friend was away from his phone when I tried to get Sid Krofft to call him too, but I did get autographs for both of them.

Life has been so up and down lately, even with all those fun things going on. I have been spending a lot of time with my bestie that I met on “Bumble for Friends” which is a great app if you’re looking for friends to do things with – but fair warning, it can be just as exhausting as online dating in some ways.

As far as Mr. California goes; this whole situation tugs on my heartstrings so much. I left so many desperate and pathetic voicemails for him on Thursday night, because I was so tired of our “situation” how it is. We had a long talk about it since, and even though it cleared up a few things, I am stuck in an endless cycle with a man that just can’t give me what I need, who I love with all my heart. It is up to me if I will cut ties and try to live my life and forget about him, or if I will keep on with the same thing. I don’t have the strength to leave him, but I know that we have isn’t healthy at all. Like Carrie Bradshaw once said, “he may be the one holding the whip, but I am the one constantly beating myself with it.”

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey love

My First Crush, My Last Crush

It’s hard to remember my first crush exactly, but I do know that when I was young, I used to have fantasies about the guys on TV. There was Riker from Star Trek the Next Generation, there was Michael Knight from Knight Rider, there was Face from A-Team, even William Shatner as Captain Kirk himself, (who I finally got to meet at GalaxyCon last year, swoon even at 91! lol). I loved them so much, and used to act out scenes from shows with them, pretending I was their love interest, (I had quite the imagination for a 10-year-old, lol).

Over the years, my relationships evolved into some versions of the men I used to crush over on TV. I got to meet a real-life version of Riker, but a Mexican version which is even sexier. My latest love interest, who I am working my hardest to be with again, is my Mexican Riker. He’s got the eyes, the hair, and of course, swoon, the beard! That luxurious beard how could a girl not go crazy! I still send him all kinds of products for his beard, I do love that he takes good care of it.

But one of the things that I am remembering about my Mexican Riker, were the words he wrote to me once. He called me his “first love, his true love” and I am brought back to the days when he was head over heels in love with me. We fell into so much passion, it was electrifying. My days and nights were filled with him encompassing my entire being, feelings that I just never experienced that with anyone else. All those years growing up, wishing and wanting a deep true love – I finally got to experience it last year. These days it’s just really painful, and I miss him with everything in me because the relationship just isn’t the same anymore; it is a far cry from the deep love we used to share. I find myself wanting and needing so much, only to get stopped by a giant wall and the enormous space between us. What I would give to be able to tell him how I really feel. What I would give to hear how much he wanted me again. It’s stabbing me in my heart every day.

So is he my first crush? Technically, yes. I was in love with Riker as a child, now I am in love with Mexican Riker 30 years later – and what a tragic love story it is.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Memorable Moments

There is no one favorite moment. I think for me, its a compilation of several with my ex. I am currently working on making him mine again, but it’s going to take some work. My manic episode last year really scared him, so he still has me blocked on his phone. That’s been causing me severe bouts of depression recently, because I can’t call him, and I just kind of have to wait around for him to call me. But when he does call, it’s hours of laughing, talking, watching things, and of course explosive phone sex.

He has retreated several times, calling all the phone sex a sort of “promise” of a relationship or future he just can’t commit to. That’s hard because I really want to be with him and love him with everything in my being. I reminisce about our favorite moments often – thinking about his handsome face on camera, his movements, and how those big brown eyes used to widen with love and wanting when he used to look at me. I miss him looking at me – I felt like a young teenager with my first crush when I was with him – the hours-long night conversations, followed by amazing sex sessions – just falling into him completely.

Long distance is difficult, but for the time that we had last year, time itself seemed to stand still. I watched my video blog where I would describe our relationship as a timeless romance or read his old messages where he called himself an “aging romantic.” Our memories burn inside of me when we talk now, because all I can think about is: “why doesn’t he love me like he once did?” Am I that different than I was back then? It’s so hard crying and crying, wishing and wishing for that time again. I listen to his favorite songs now with such melancholic wonder – the lyrics burning with so much wanting and needing. I crave him, my body and soul ache for him – and I think and obsess about the aches he used to have for me which are now long gone. But the memories, oh the memories of that amazing time still haunt me down to my bones today.

I love you Mr. California. I always will.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt

A “You’ve Got Mail” Moment in Time

My favorite moments in time are when me and my ex used to send each other messages without knowing what each other looked like. I LOVED that time – I was so open to it, and I loved what he used to say and what we used to talk about. I remember all the wants and needs, and how we were just two people grasping for each other for that one moment in time.

I did suggest that he see the movie, or at least the book “Shop Around the Corner.” We did see it together later on, and that was at a time when everything was so explosive. It was definitely my “hottest” online relationship because we both exploded into each other several times a day. We cammed, we phoned, we enveloped each other. He became my everything, I became his. We fell in love so deeply; he pursued me so relentlessly. I didn’t think it was possible to love so much or as much I loved my husband, but he came and blew all of that out of the window.

It’s been a year since those days, and I find myself reading his old messages to me, longing for that moment in time. I ache for him, my body pulses with thoughts of him. I love him so much, and it’s become my daily obsession, and I am starting to feel ashamed of myself because he no longer feels the same way. Don’t get me wrong, his boundaries of just emailing once or twice a day have now escalated to 4-5 hour long phone conversations, but it’s not the same as that all-encompassing passion that we once had. I crave him so much, I dream of him at night, and I know he holds himself back because of all the damage I caused our relationship.

I know it’s not possible, and people say you shouldn’t regret the past, but I wish with everything in me that I didn’t hurt him the way I did last year.

Every day I feel like I am still being punished for it.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Leaving Behind a Legacy of Service

Today’s prompt was asking what Legacy I want to leave behind. The answer is simply the service I can give to others. Being in AA and now the Legion of Mary, I have come to feel the rewards of a new life that used to be crowded with selfishness. I was always selfish, so self-absorbed in my own life and worries, I never thought about others or the impact I could have on their lives. Now, I believe, when people think of me, I want them to remember someone who gave back to their community, as someone who helped those in need, and most of all helped those suffering in addiction.

People can argue the existence of God till their blue in the face, but nothing can take what the feeling is like to know that God, what I call my higher power, took away my addition to alcohol. It is nothing short of a miracle, especially as someone who was a chronic morning drinker; someone who’s first thought as soon as I woke up was to take a drink. It was all-consuming, all the time, and it ruined my life and all my relationships. Only in surrendering to God, or to me Jesus Himself, was where I learned redemption and what my true purpose was.

As I move forward in life, I am meeting a lot of people who struggle with that same strife that I was able to leave behind. I guide them through the 12 Steps, I give them rides to meetings, and I help them understand that there is a life beyond the dark corners of addiction. In addition to that, I am very devout in my church, serving the community by visiting elderly couples, nursing homes, and delivering the Eucharist to those not able to attend mass. It is the most rewarding experience of my life, and I hope that once I pass the probationary period of my Legion, I will be ordained as a Eucharistic minister, and I could deliver the Host myself.

This is the legacy I want to leave behind. One of service, one of love, and one of duty to my community. From the floor of a jail cell to homelessness on the streets, I have been delivered through the Grace of God to do this work out of gratitude of saving me, saving my soul, and saving my family.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Opening Myself up to Love Again, the Last Risk I Took

When my husband was battling severe addiction and mental health issues, I had to make a decision. I had to leave him, and I didn’t know how. My parents had to step in, which they did so bravely, by putting him on a bus back to New York to his mom. I didn’t have the strength to do it – my marriage was rocky and crazy for so long, and I had just been incarcerated and homeless due to all the circumstances. I never would have gotten out of that if it wasn’t for my mom and dad to which whom I am eternally grateful.

But the big risk came just a few months later. I had been suffering a lot when my husband left – despite the rockiness and all the self-destructiveness, I still loved him and still yearned for him. I was on a mental health forum that I had been on for close to a decade, and just poured my heart out on there, making posts about my lack of sleep and all the crying I had been doing. A man messaged me on there, a really kind man, who only wished me good sleep. I had no idea what he looked like, or what his name was, but he made me feel really good – like someone in the world gave me comfort in my most brokenness.

After months of talking, I still hadn’t seen what this mystery man looked like – it was the longest I had ever gone without asking for a picture, but I didn’t think that it mattered because we were just friendly forum friends. Then one day, I sent him a picture, and he sent one back, and boy was I floored. He was the most gorgeous man I had ever seen, nothing that I had expected, heck, I didn’t even know what I expected, but it certainly wasn’t that. I fell in love instantly; after months of talking to this man, I finally got to see him, and I just wanted all of him – I wanted to talk to him, hear his voice, see him on cam, and see him in person, all in one shot, lol. When we finally got to the phone calls, it was so intense and was some of the best phone sex I ever had in my life, totally unexpected again. We eventually began dating, I don’t even know if it was online dating, because it was hours of phone, cam, everything, just all the time. I fell in love hard; it was the last big risk I ever took, and one that I am glad I did to this day.

Eventually, the honeymoon phase ended, and real life stepped in when my bipolar disorder took front seat, and a crazy manic episode ended up scaring him pretty badly. He felt unequipped to take care of me from so far away. I understood, and after months in the hospital, I finally landed back on Earth in a horrible depressive episode. Apparently, it’s normal for doctors to treat a manic patient by shooting them up with so many heavy drugs that it completely debilitates them, and that’s what happened to me. I was completely unfunctional for two months after months of being in the hospital. Suffice to say, 2025 turned out to be a rocky start.

Today, me and this guy are on speaking terms again, but just emails so far. There have been a few frequent phone calls with lots of phone sex, and conversation, but he is trying really hard to focus on what he needs to right now. Apparently, my manic episode sparked in him the inability to function in his life, where he needs to make his own choices for him and his kids. It was always a complicated situation, now it being ever more so with him trying to go to school to better his life. I am really proud of him and his decision, and even though my heart flutters every time I get an email or phone call, I have been focusing on myself a lot lately too. My baptism is tomorrow tonight at my Catholic church, and this is a really big step, being Muslim and entering into this world. This guy is Catholic and had been a huge influence in me learning about Catholicism, and a lot of my faith is wrapped up in my love for him. He’s not the reason I wanted to join the church, my calling started years before that, but knowing him and learning about what he knows, helped this journey a lot.

So right now, even though it can be painful because hours can go by without an email, and lonely nights turn into phone sex with a man I am head over heels for, things are just this way for now. Some of my friends approve, some don’t, but ultimately, I don’t want to let go. It was the risk I took, when I needed someone, and we are trying our best to stay in each other’s lives. I had tried to move on earlier in the year and failed miserably.

So how did it work out? Still a work in progress, lol.

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
When is the last time you took a risk? How did it work out?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt, Uncategorized

My Decision to Leave New York That Changed Me Forever

Leaving New York changed my life forever. It was my home for all my life, but a manic drug induced episode added with the self-destructive behavior of my husband, led me to North Carolina, which is the home I know and love now.

That decision led to my sobriety, and I have learned and grown so much since I left the concrete jungle back on Halloween of 2020. It was mostly due to COVID as to why I left – I was just furloughed from my job, and the job market in NYC was tanking due to the pandemic. It was time to go, and I knew it, plus, my husband had just picked up some larceny charges because he tried to steal a lawn mower in Home Depot, so we wanted to escape. Also, I wanted a new life away from all the drugs in NYC – I figured if I got my husband out of there, we would have a new life. Come to find out, it was worse than ever – you may be able to take the man away from the drugs, but you can’t take the drugs out of the man. He would always be an addict, like I would always be an alcoholic. Unfortunately, I would be the only one to address my addiction and do something about it, he decided to remain an addict, which ultimately led to me leaving him.

As a whole, the decision to leave NYC ended up being the best decision of my life. I have never known a better life here in North Carolina. I have so many friends, I was able to give a home for my boyfriend, (ex now, but I am trying to win him back), I have my independence, and I am living the life I have always wanted to live. It has been a long road to get here, but I don’t think I would have ever separated from my parents if I didn’t leave. I had lived so many years in a prison in their home, drinking into oblivion and ending up in a psych ward every year for almost 2 decades. I thought I would never break free and make a life for myself, and even though I had to go through jail and being homeless to do it, I feel it was all well worth it.

Cheers to living sober, and new beginnings.

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
Describe a decision you made in the past that helped you learn or grow.
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