inspiredodyssey daily prompt

What I’ve Been Excited About Lately

Life has been pretty interesting lately. The Edgar Allen Poe Speakeasy came to town, and GalaxyCon was a blast. Of course, the most exciting part of my day is always getting a phone call from Mr. California, who sets my heart on fire every time. It was nice of the legendary Sid Krofft to get on the phone with him when I was at GalaxyCon, it was a real treat for us both – also, it was nice to see some of his walls come down during these past few months.

Our relationship is such a precarious complicated one. The late-night laughs, the hours of banter and watching our favorite shows – I am finally experiencing Stargate SG-1 with him, and it has been so much fun. There are also so many cartoons I have been enjoying with him, snippets and snapshots of my childhood coming through, as I experience all of that with him. More on that in a bit –

The Edgar Allen Poe Speakeasy was definitely a test of my sobriety. I am so glad I had my bestie with me there and was so glad that she’s sober too. They served a drink with each tale being performed – Pale Blue Ice for Tell Tale Heart, The Cat’s Meow, (which was my favorite), for The Black Cat, some citrusy thing for The Raven, and a 100-proof Vodka drink called Red Death that had rose petals in it for The Masque of the Red Death. We had the non-alcoholic versions of those drinks, and I was kind of sad about it. I wish I could be able to drink responsibly and enjoy things, but it’s just not the same for a person like me. I didn’t mourn it too much, because the crowd was getting rowdy and my friend basically ran to her car to get away from all the stumbling patrons. Honestly, I think I would have been on the floor if I had the alcoholic version of those drinks. Still, the acting was incredible, and we had such a good time.

The same could be said about GalaxyCon which was jam packed with fun things to see, but I got stuck in a line for nearly four hours waiting for William Shatner. It was worth it though, because he’s 94, and Captain Kirk may not be around too much longer to give autographs. It was a rare opportunity that I had to take. I did get a chance to meet Billy Zane, who was very dashing, and like I mentioned earlier, I spent a lot of time with Sid Krofft and we talked about Land of the Lost and all the other cool shows he did in the 70s. He’s up there in age too, at 96, so that might have been my last chance to see him too. I was really happy he got to talk to Mr. California though, too bad my best friend was away from his phone when I tried to get Sid Krofft to call him too, but I did get autographs for both of them.

Life has been so up and down lately, even with all those fun things going on. I have been spending a lot of time with my bestie that I met on “Bumble for Friends” which is a great app if you’re looking for friends to do things with – but fair warning, it can be just as exhausting as online dating in some ways.

As far as Mr. California goes; this whole situation tugs on my heartstrings so much. I left so many desperate and pathetic voicemails for him on Thursday night, because I was so tired of our “situation” how it is. We had a long talk about it since, and even though it cleared up a few things, I am stuck in an endless cycle with a man that just can’t give me what I need, who I love with all my heart. It is up to me if I will cut ties and try to live my life and forget about him, or if I will keep on with the same thing. I don’t have the strength to leave him, but I know that we have isn’t healthy at all. Like Carrie Bradshaw once said, “he may be the one holding the whip, but I am the one constantly beating myself with it.”

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Where I Have Been and Where I am Going

Upon thinking about it, the most important thing that motivates me not reliving the desolation and depression I faced years ago. I remember what I went through, and it pushes me forward every day. There was a time where I just slept, ate, scoured the internet searching for a man, engaged in despicable acts with the ones I found, and just felt horrible about myself. In between all that I mixed alcohol with my psych meds, going through an endless cycle in the mental health system.

Thinking about that life, it motivates me to stay sober, take care of myself, and push forward to the future. Yesterday was a hard day because after therapy all these feelings came out about what it would take to make me happy. I mean, I have an amazing life now, but my weight, my horrible weight, in which I blew up 50 pounds in just three short months, has been the most excruciating part of my everyday life. What is ironic, is that the same weight issue is what has held me back from living my life years ago as well, despite the fact that I was 70 pounds less than I am now.

Having horrible thyroid issues has been my Achilles heel in losing this weight. My doctor recently told me that she is not surprised at all that the scale isn’t moving at all despite all the gym visits and dieting I have been doing. It is more than discouraging, but it is not as debilitating as it used to be. What motivates me to get out of bed every morning, (and make my bed so I don’t jump back in it when tempted to just lay down and hide from the world), is that I have the life I have always prayed for, and I never want to slide back into the past. The endless loop of despair and remembering the days and nights drinking my woes away – even the mornings at 11am at Applebee’s ordering endless Long Island Iced Teas, lying to waitstaff that I had just come off a stressful night shift. And of course, I would wait for the alcohol to wear off during the day before I took my night psych meds to go to sleep – all of this led to multiple hospitalizations because of the deadly combination of drugs and drinking.

Remembering all of that, motivates to push forward and stay sober. I am on much less psych meds for my bipolar disorder, (even though I don’t even think I’m bipolar, just an alcoholic), but I know in my heart where I never want to be again. As far as the weight goes, I think I won’t let it be the entire focus of my life anymore and dictate how I live every day. I mean it was so bad at one time that I didn’t even leave the house or date because I thought I was so fat and ugly. I am so glad to not be in that headspace again, although, being much fatter than I was then affects me a lot sometimes.

My overall motivation is also directly to my current relationship – I want to be in a much better place mentally and physically for when my boyfriend finally gets here, and we start our life together. After all those years of wanting a good man who loves me, I finally got the relationship I’ve always wanted – everything else will just fall into place.

Stay tuned.

Daily writing prompt
What motivates you?
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inspiredodyssey bipolar, Uncategorized

Keeping it Together – Addiction and How Being in Love and Bipolar Sucks Horribly.

Drugs and Alcohol Addiction

Being away from Giovanni has been more than difficult. He NEEDS to be in rehab because things were falling apart, but what about my mental health? I have been falling apart fast and slow in the days he’s been gone, and with the aching in my chest, I am reconsidering my relationship with him.

Is this the right thing for me?

He has so many pluses in his favor. For one thing, out of all the men in my life, he has loved me the absolute most with such passion and desperate devotion that I have been looking for since I used to dream about Prince Charming when I was a kid.

Except Prince Charming didn’t do crack and cocaine.

FUCK.

The universe brought this man to me – in the worst of places – the psych ward – so I KNEW that he came with an unreasonable amount of baggage. He hid this addiction from me at first, in the fear that I would dump him because, in his eyes, I was the best kind of woman that he had ever been with – of course, I was – I ain’t no crack ho or street trash. I come from a good family, I am educated, and I am definitely employable – BUT I am a bipolar disaster with multiple hospitalizations and can’t hold a damn job for the life of me. So yes, I wasn’t a street ho, but I was still a mess – but to Giovanni, I was Lady Di compared to what he was used to.

In his own way, he was much better than I was used to as well – very attentive, sometimes overbearing, no desire to be online or play video games, has only eyes for me, and is just devoted in a way no man has ever been to me in my whole life. We are both bipolar, (he has some schitzo issues, but Invega shots take care of that), and we both were slammed together in the worst of situations. We are beautiful together, we even stay sober together because we don’t need any of that shit to enhance our relationship – the sex is better, WAY better sober anyway. It’s when I leave him and go home when the problems and the weakness to those street drugs happen because since he was abandoned to a Group Home – all that live there use all the time. He has endured a pattern of failure for a decade, almost as long as I have, and he turns to the drugs the way I used to drown in the bottle. My alcoholism was deep a few years ago- to the point where my mom found me passed out on the floor of the room and thought I overdosed on something – shit was bad.

I kicked my habit by pure willpower – and believe it or not, my parents AND the hospitalizations helped.  I was so tired of being a disappointment to my parents, and when I was in the hospital for months, I was just removed from the daily alcohol, and I just didn’t need it anymore. I am hoping by removing Giovanni from these drugs for a month will snap him out of it, even though his mom thinks he needs three months. Jesus, being away from him for three months, will absolutely KILL me, but if it’s for his sobriety, I will have to give in.

I didn’t want to date an addict. Hell no. But here I am.

It would be so easy to walk away from him if he was just his addiction – but he’s not, he’s so much more – He’s the man I love.

My bipolar madness better give it a rest until January 21st.

Stay Tuned.