inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Serendipitous – My Favorite Word

I think it’s been my favorite word since I saw “Serendipity” (2001) with John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale. It simply means “happy chance, but can be interpreted as a form of fate or destiny”, something I have always believed in since I was a little girl. Many can argue that we make our own fate – as Sarah Conner showed us in Terminator 2: Judgement Day, but do we really? Are we really in control of our own destinies? What part does God play in all of that? When people say it’s in “God’s Time” or trust God’s plan, is that intertwined with fate as well?

Such big questions. I think serendipitous describes a lot of what transpired in my life between 2019 and now. I met my ex-husband in a psych ward, and the ride we went on through madness, drugs, chaos, incarceration and homelessness, taught me that no matter how much we try and force the hand of fate and bend it to our will, our actions and the deeds we do, directly result in what ultimately happens to us. It is said that angels are jealous of us because we have “free will”, God’s greatest gift to us. But is our will really free? Are the things that happen to us due to our many choices just all random, and not our destiny?

I think about that in terms of Mr. California. I write and think about him a lot these days, mainly because of how much in love with him I am. Was it serendipitous that we met? Did the long nights of tears over my ex-husband, pain and anguish I felt finally break because fate intervened? What made Mr. California message me that one January night? Why did I answer? I will never forget his first message to me – just something simple like “I am sorry you’re hurting, I hope you are able to sleep.” I don’t even know why I answered. but I did, and the heartbreak and grief that I had been feeling for months was lifted into the dramatic love affair that I was suddenly swept up in.

The problem with all of this is, I never got a chance to be single. I never knew what it was like to be completely on my own, feel all the feelings of solitude, loneliness, and singledom. I never got to really enjoy my apartment and all the freedoms that come with it. But, again, in a serendipitous twist that felt like fate, I was hospitalized so traumatically that it broke whatever relationship me and Mr. California had, bringing us to where we are now. These days, I am on my own a lot – there aren’t any more texts, and calls during the day – it is just me out in the world, rediscovering who I am, remembering how much I wanted to be free for so many years, practicing my faith in all ways that I can, and learning to love who I am – all without chasing after a man. I still enjoy my nightly calls with him, and there is lots of fun, laughs and sex, but not on the terms they were on before. This time it’s different, more shaky, more woven in the ways of rebuilding a foundation of what once was.

This is serendipitous new ground. The kind that God wants me to see. And yes, I have my free will – I always did, but the thread of my life that hangs in the balance is no longer dependent on the love of a man, but the love that I have for myself.

Daily writing prompt
What’s your favorite word?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Telephone Love

It’s funny, isn’t it? In a time of camming and video messaging, the phone is still glued to my ear when I am talking to the love of my life. We used to Skype, (RIP, I hate you Microsoft), but those days are long gone. I asked if he wanted to video chat again, but it doesn’t seem to be his thing anymore, which is fine – but man am I missing how those big, brown beautiful eyes used to get even bigger when they used to stare at me – SWOON – God it’s been way too long.

Long distance is hard, for anyone, but it is especially hard for two people with such damanging, codependent behaviors. He outright admitted to me that he has never been in a healthy relationship, and I have to admit, I have never been in one either. But who has? Can you guys honestly tell me that your relationships are healthy? I hate to be pessimistic, but I can’t see one relationship that doesn’t have a thread of narcissism, uneveness, some sort of power dynamic, or just one person who is happy and one who just isn’t and the other one has no clue. I have been participating in the black hole of the internet recently, (Reddit), and I see so many posts about someone being completely blindsided that their partner has left them. I know this doesn’t go for ALL relationships, but it’s for a good amount, I think.

I am trying to navigate the best I can around Mr. California. He is moody, worrisome, achy, everything you would expect of a man approaching 50, I guess. It’s funny that I never saw these behaviors when we were actually dating last year, and now that things are so different, and our relationship is undefined, I am starting to see exactly what kind of man he is. He is infuriating to me at times, but then again, no relationship is perfect.

But it is not all gloom and doom – there is SO much love between us, it’s intoxicating. This man makes me feel so young again – we watch so many cool movies and shows like Justice League and Fraggle Rock, that I get to relive my childhood all over with him again. I feel a little like Jenna Rink in 13 going on 30, especially when she talks about sharing Razzles with Matty – me and Mr. California talk about all the cool snacks and candies, and send them to each other all the time. This time around I got him some Whatchamacallits, which really brought him back – back to when life, responsibility and worry didn’t plague his mind.

So, what am I doing this evening? I am going to be spending some time on the phone with the man I love, (if he calls). I am still blocked, (his boundary), but he does call me and we spend hours of laughs and bliss together – kind of like two teenagers on a landline in the 80s. It’s cute, it gives me tons of butterflies – and on the rare occassion we have phone sex, which is honestly, some of the best I’ve ever had. We will make it work, it will just take time. There is a lot of healing to be done after how much I hurt him last year.

Stay tuned.

Daily writing prompt
What are you doing this evening?
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inspiredodyssey Uncategorized

Here Come the Holidays ….

So, I always made a big deal of Christmas, but for most holidays I was always alone. My family never really celebrated, (other than Christmas morning), so there was never anything to really get excited about. HOWEVER, in a wonderful, blissful, turn of events, I will be spending the upcoming holidays with Mr. California watching so many amazing TV shows, cartoons, and movies.

We planned it last year when he selflessly sent me two hard drives filled to the max with tons and tons of tv shows, movies and cartoons, from nostalgic years to present blockbusters. I was floored – it was the best present anyone had ever given me, and it must have taken countless hours of ripping DVDs, (and even VHS), onto media files to fill these hard drives. He even sent me a Samsung DVD player that has a USB port, so I can play the media files on. SO THOUGHTFUL!! *Swoon* But alas, we never found time last year because we were busy camming on Skype, (RIP. I hate you Microsoft), or time on the phone just falling more and more in love.

Fast forward to this year, where circumstances have things really different now; Skype is gone, and we just have all this time on the phone to hang out and watch things together. The latest thing has been Stargate SG-1. I never watched the show, and Mr. California has every season on DVD. We started out with him Dropboxing me episodes as we watched them, but I found out that Amazon Prime had every season, along with every season of Stargate: Atlantis, (I want to tackle that next), so we started watching there, (hate the commercials though).

On a good note, I really got into the Christmas spirit today because I am a huge action figure and doll collector, and I thought it would be cool if I can get him an action figure from the series for Christmas. The problem is these action figures are extremely rare because SG-1 never made enough of them. So, I found myself buying a $130 action figure for him, which is WAY beyond what I had in my Christmas budget for him, but I honestly thought would be really cool. Also, I am going to get a nice clear display case to send too, because hey, he better keep it safe! Also, as a side Christmas present for myself, (I already overdid it by buying myself a retro PS2), I got the female lead in Stargate SG-1 – who his action figure is in love with. So, he has the boy, and I have the girl, how cute!

Okay, I realize all of that sounds completely crazy because things are so tight money wise right now, but you know, the memories I am making with him I can’t put a price tag on.

And I didn’t even tell you the best part! I am really looking forward to Halloween! Part of the stuff he gave me on the hard drive was a File Folder called “Halloween and SPOOKY things,” I love that! There is so much in there, like Scooby Doo stuff, Charlie Brown Stuff, Ghostbusters and Beetlejuice stuff, Evil Dead Stuff, and tons of fun stuff to watch this Halloween season! He said he was going to make a list, and I should make a list, so we can come together and figure out what we want to watch together in the month of October. I am so excited! And of course, when the spooky stuff is over, we will look forward to December and all the Christmas stuff. I can’t tell you the joy it would bring me to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” with him – it’s my all-time favorite Christmas movie.

So yeah, things definitely look different after my manic episode last year, but at least I get to explore so many new things with Mr. California now, that I am so excited about. I have also learned more about his moodiness, his silence, his stress, all his worries, and all the things he says he hates about himself that ruin all his relationships. Little does he know, I am in it for the long haul, and he has my heart directly in his hands.

Here’s to a great holiday season!

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
How do you celebrate holidays?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Two Weeks of Bliss

I am going to talk to this beautiful man again, like I have been for the last two weeks. Every evening has been filled with love, laughter, Stargate SG1, Batman or Justice League cartoons, Fraggle Rock, or some other cool show that is from the hard drive(s) he gave me for my birthday and updated a few months ago. I am falling more and more in love with Mr. California – and it looks like we have finally made a breakthrough.

Things were rough the past 9 months. When I came out of the psych ward in January, it had been months since I talked to or heard from him. His last words of “I don’t know you, I don’t know who you are, who are you??!!” echoed in my head for months as we communicated strictly through email because I was blocked, (I am still blocked, but I have made peace with that, it’s just his boundaries now). But during those months, I used to just wait and wait for an email, and my days and nights were so tormented. Anything the Italian Stallion, (my ex-husband), had done was nothing compared to the months of torment I endured just hanging on a thread, waiting around for an email that sometimes never came.

I will admit, sometimes I used to think of the Italian Stallion on the nights when Mr. California was silent, but then I quickly shook myself back to my senses. The Italian Stallion may have been the best sex I had up until Mr. California, but nothing would ever cause me to go backwards.

These days, things are really good. Last month, my heartstrings were being torn apart because the more me and Mr. California would talk, (and sometimes have sex), the more I wanted to be with him, and the more his walls were refusing to come down. But recently, when things were getting really bad, I just came out and asked him if he had someone else, which I think totally took him by surprise. Since then, he has called every night and been completely consistent and present, and my heart is soaring with joy. Also, the nights of passion have helped, which were initially fueled by the many sexy pictures I kept sending him – which is his greatest weakness. His latest picture had me soaring too, only because it’s been so long since I’ve seen him, our camming days are long over. I still remember the night he just plain out nixed that idea.

So, what am I doing this evening? Hopefully, it’s another night of bliss with my Mexican Riker, (Star Trek the Next Generation), he wears that beard so well – *swoon*

I also have to make more blog posts; my blog has been severely lacking lately. I need to keep more records of all of this other than my YouTube channel.

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
What are you doing this evening?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Heartbreak – A Vicious Cycle

Today’s prompt asks, “what am I feeling right now”? Ultimate Heartbreak is the best answer. I am in love with a man that loved me so much once, one that helped get over the loss of my husband, one who promised to love and take care of me, but who now gaslights me and breadcrumbs me with scraps like a dog. I can’t express the pain of what I feel – by not having the strength to let go of someone who longer loves me, who is left begging every night with emails and voicemails, only to go to sleep heartbroken with a pillow full of tears. He still calls me, and keeps in contact with me, but only at the bare minimum. When I say it’s like he treats me like a dog he’s giving scraps to, it’s not an exaggeration at all. Everyone says, “just block him and move on,” but don’t you think if it was that easy, I would have done it already?

I am too worthless to break free. Today I am going to Confession and tell Father that my heartbreak is taking me away from God. I know God has plans for me that I can’t see or understand, but I know He wouldn’t want me living my life this way. I spent so long in darkness when I lived in NY, and now to do a repeat of those dark years finally living on my own seems so sad and is no way to live. Why do I put my value and worth on what a man thinks of me or feels for me? Can I not learn to live alone and enjoy my freedom and independence?

It is noon on a Saturday, and I have a whole day ahead of me. My best friend usually spends his whole day watching TV, I am starting to learn something from him- I currently have been reminiscing with Xena: Warrior Princess and will probably read some of my Star Wars book later. You know, I don’t have pressure, I don’t have stress, all my needs are met, and I have a mom and dad that love me and sacrificed everything for me. Why can’t I just be grateful? Why did I let this man come into my life and destroy me in such a way? My ex-husband was so toxic and basically destroyed my life, and now I am headed down a similar path in all my self-destruction. I want to look back on this and remember that I have been given all the opportunities in the world to enjoy my life, but I choose to stay wallowing in pain.

I don’t want to live like this anymore.

This is my cry for help.

Please make it stop.

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
How are you feeling right now?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

What I’ve Been Excited About Lately

Life has been pretty interesting lately. The Edgar Allen Poe Speakeasy came to town, and GalaxyCon was a blast. Of course, the most exciting part of my day is always getting a phone call from Mr. California, who sets my heart on fire every time. It was nice of the legendary Sid Krofft to get on the phone with him when I was at GalaxyCon, it was a real treat for us both – also, it was nice to see some of his walls come down during these past few months.

Our relationship is such a precarious complicated one. The late-night laughs, the hours of banter and watching our favorite shows – I am finally experiencing Stargate SG-1 with him, and it has been so much fun. There are also so many cartoons I have been enjoying with him, snippets and snapshots of my childhood coming through, as I experience all of that with him. More on that in a bit –

The Edgar Allen Poe Speakeasy was definitely a test of my sobriety. I am so glad I had my bestie with me there and was so glad that she’s sober too. They served a drink with each tale being performed – Pale Blue Ice for Tell Tale Heart, The Cat’s Meow, (which was my favorite), for The Black Cat, some citrusy thing for The Raven, and a 100-proof Vodka drink called Red Death that had rose petals in it for The Masque of the Red Death. We had the non-alcoholic versions of those drinks, and I was kind of sad about it. I wish I could be able to drink responsibly and enjoy things, but it’s just not the same for a person like me. I didn’t mourn it too much, because the crowd was getting rowdy and my friend basically ran to her car to get away from all the stumbling patrons. Honestly, I think I would have been on the floor if I had the alcoholic version of those drinks. Still, the acting was incredible, and we had such a good time.

The same could be said about GalaxyCon which was jam packed with fun things to see, but I got stuck in a line for nearly four hours waiting for William Shatner. It was worth it though, because he’s 94, and Captain Kirk may not be around too much longer to give autographs. It was a rare opportunity that I had to take. I did get a chance to meet Billy Zane, who was very dashing, and like I mentioned earlier, I spent a lot of time with Sid Krofft and we talked about Land of the Lost and all the other cool shows he did in the 70s. He’s up there in age too, at 96, so that might have been my last chance to see him too. I was really happy he got to talk to Mr. California though, too bad my best friend was away from his phone when I tried to get Sid Krofft to call him too, but I did get autographs for both of them.

Life has been so up and down lately, even with all those fun things going on. I have been spending a lot of time with my bestie that I met on “Bumble for Friends” which is a great app if you’re looking for friends to do things with – but fair warning, it can be just as exhausting as online dating in some ways.

As far as Mr. California goes; this whole situation tugs on my heartstrings so much. I left so many desperate and pathetic voicemails for him on Thursday night, because I was so tired of our “situation” how it is. We had a long talk about it since, and even though it cleared up a few things, I am stuck in an endless cycle with a man that just can’t give me what I need, who I love with all my heart. It is up to me if I will cut ties and try to live my life and forget about him, or if I will keep on with the same thing. I don’t have the strength to leave him, but I know that we have isn’t healthy at all. Like Carrie Bradshaw once said, “he may be the one holding the whip, but I am the one constantly beating myself with it.”

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey love

My First Crush, My Last Crush

It’s hard to remember my first crush exactly, but I do know that when I was young, I used to have fantasies about the guys on TV. There was Riker from Star Trek the Next Generation, there was Michael Knight from Knight Rider, there was Face from A-Team, even William Shatner as Captain Kirk himself, (who I finally got to meet at GalaxyCon last year, swoon even at 91! lol). I loved them so much, and used to act out scenes from shows with them, pretending I was their love interest, (I had quite the imagination for a 10-year-old, lol).

Over the years, my relationships evolved into some versions of the men I used to crush over on TV. I got to meet a real-life version of Riker, but a Mexican version which is even sexier. My latest love interest, who I am working my hardest to be with again, is my Mexican Riker. He’s got the eyes, the hair, and of course, swoon, the beard! That luxurious beard how could a girl not go crazy! I still send him all kinds of products for his beard, I do love that he takes good care of it.

But one of the things that I am remembering about my Mexican Riker, were the words he wrote to me once. He called me his “first love, his true love” and I am brought back to the days when he was head over heels in love with me. We fell into so much passion, it was electrifying. My days and nights were filled with him encompassing my entire being, feelings that I just never experienced that with anyone else. All those years growing up, wishing and wanting a deep true love – I finally got to experience it last year. These days it’s just really painful, and I miss him with everything in me because the relationship just isn’t the same anymore; it is a far cry from the deep love we used to share. I find myself wanting and needing so much, only to get stopped by a giant wall and the enormous space between us. What I would give to be able to tell him how I really feel. What I would give to hear how much he wanted me again. It’s stabbing me in my heart every day.

So is he my first crush? Technically, yes. I was in love with Riker as a child, now I am in love with Mexican Riker 30 years later – and what a tragic love story it is.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Memorable Moments

There is no one favorite moment. I think for me, its a compilation of several with my ex. I am currently working on making him mine again, but it’s going to take some work. My manic episode last year really scared him, so he still has me blocked on his phone. That’s been causing me severe bouts of depression recently, because I can’t call him, and I just kind of have to wait around for him to call me. But when he does call, it’s hours of laughing, talking, watching things, and of course explosive phone sex.

He has retreated several times, calling all the phone sex a sort of “promise” of a relationship or future he just can’t commit to. That’s hard because I really want to be with him and love him with everything in my being. I reminisce about our favorite moments often – thinking about his handsome face on camera, his movements, and how those big brown eyes used to widen with love and wanting when he used to look at me. I miss him looking at me – I felt like a young teenager with my first crush when I was with him – the hours-long night conversations, followed by amazing sex sessions – just falling into him completely.

Long distance is difficult, but for the time that we had last year, time itself seemed to stand still. I watched my video blog where I would describe our relationship as a timeless romance or read his old messages where he called himself an “aging romantic.” Our memories burn inside of me when we talk now, because all I can think about is: “why doesn’t he love me like he once did?” Am I that different than I was back then? It’s so hard crying and crying, wishing and wishing for that time again. I listen to his favorite songs now with such melancholic wonder – the lyrics burning with so much wanting and needing. I crave him, my body and soul ache for him – and I think and obsess about the aches he used to have for me which are now long gone. But the memories, oh the memories of that amazing time still haunt me down to my bones today.

I love you Mr. California. I always will.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt

A “You’ve Got Mail” Moment in Time

My favorite moments in time are when me and my ex used to send each other messages without knowing what each other looked like. I LOVED that time – I was so open to it, and I loved what he used to say and what we used to talk about. I remember all the wants and needs, and how we were just two people grasping for each other for that one moment in time.

I did suggest that he see the movie, or at least the book “Shop Around the Corner.” We did see it together later on, and that was at a time when everything was so explosive. It was definitely my “hottest” online relationship because we both exploded into each other several times a day. We cammed, we phoned, we enveloped each other. He became my everything, I became his. We fell in love so deeply; he pursued me so relentlessly. I didn’t think it was possible to love so much or as much I loved my husband, but he came and blew all of that out of the window.

It’s been a year since those days, and I find myself reading his old messages to me, longing for that moment in time. I ache for him, my body pulses with thoughts of him. I love him so much, and it’s become my daily obsession, and I am starting to feel ashamed of myself because he no longer feels the same way. Don’t get me wrong, his boundaries of just emailing once or twice a day have now escalated to 4-5 hour long phone conversations, but it’s not the same as that all-encompassing passion that we once had. I crave him so much, I dream of him at night, and I know he holds himself back because of all the damage I caused our relationship.

I know it’s not possible, and people say you shouldn’t regret the past, but I wish with everything in me that I didn’t hurt him the way I did last year.

Every day I feel like I am still being punished for it.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Leaving Behind a Legacy of Service

Today’s prompt was asking what Legacy I want to leave behind. The answer is simply the service I can give to others. Being in AA and now the Legion of Mary, I have come to feel the rewards of a new life that used to be crowded with selfishness. I was always selfish, so self-absorbed in my own life and worries, I never thought about others or the impact I could have on their lives. Now, I believe, when people think of me, I want them to remember someone who gave back to their community, as someone who helped those in need, and most of all helped those suffering in addiction.

People can argue the existence of God till their blue in the face, but nothing can take what the feeling is like to know that God, what I call my higher power, took away my addition to alcohol. It is nothing short of a miracle, especially as someone who was a chronic morning drinker; someone who’s first thought as soon as I woke up was to take a drink. It was all-consuming, all the time, and it ruined my life and all my relationships. Only in surrendering to God, or to me Jesus Himself, was where I learned redemption and what my true purpose was.

As I move forward in life, I am meeting a lot of people who struggle with that same strife that I was able to leave behind. I guide them through the 12 Steps, I give them rides to meetings, and I help them understand that there is a life beyond the dark corners of addiction. In addition to that, I am very devout in my church, serving the community by visiting elderly couples, nursing homes, and delivering the Eucharist to those not able to attend mass. It is the most rewarding experience of my life, and I hope that once I pass the probationary period of my Legion, I will be ordained as a Eucharistic minister, and I could deliver the Host myself.

This is the legacy I want to leave behind. One of service, one of love, and one of duty to my community. From the floor of a jail cell to homelessness on the streets, I have been delivered through the Grace of God to do this work out of gratitude of saving me, saving my soul, and saving my family.

Stay tuned.