inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Heartbreak – A Vicious Cycle

Today’s prompt asks, “what am I feeling right now”? Ultimate Heartbreak is the best answer. I am in love with a man that loved me so much once, one that helped get over the loss of my husband, one who promised to love and take care of me, but who now gaslights me and breadcrumbs me with scraps like a dog. I can’t express the pain of what I feel – by not having the strength to let go of someone who longer loves me, who is left begging every night with emails and voicemails, only to go to sleep heartbroken with a pillow full of tears. He still calls me, and keeps in contact with me, but only at the bare minimum. When I say it’s like he treats me like a dog he’s giving scraps to, it’s not an exaggeration at all. Everyone says, “just block him and move on,” but don’t you think if it was that easy, I would have done it already?

I am too worthless to break free. Today I am going to Confession and tell Father that my heartbreak is taking me away from God. I know God has plans for me that I can’t see or understand, but I know He wouldn’t want me living my life this way. I spent so long in darkness when I lived in NY, and now to do a repeat of those dark years finally living on my own seems so sad and is no way to live. Why do I put my value and worth on what a man thinks of me or feels for me? Can I not learn to live alone and enjoy my freedom and independence?

It is noon on a Saturday, and I have a whole day ahead of me. My best friend usually spends his whole day watching TV, I am starting to learn something from him- I currently have been reminiscing with Xena: Warrior Princess and will probably read some of my Star Wars book later. You know, I don’t have pressure, I don’t have stress, all my needs are met, and I have a mom and dad that love me and sacrificed everything for me. Why can’t I just be grateful? Why did I let this man come into my life and destroy me in such a way? My ex-husband was so toxic and basically destroyed my life, and now I am headed down a similar path in all my self-destruction. I want to look back on this and remember that I have been given all the opportunities in the world to enjoy my life, but I choose to stay wallowing in pain.

I don’t want to live like this anymore.

This is my cry for help.

Please make it stop.

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
How are you feeling right now?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

What I’ve Been Excited About Lately

Life has been pretty interesting lately. The Edgar Allen Poe Speakeasy came to town, and GalaxyCon was a blast. Of course, the most exciting part of my day is always getting a phone call from Mr. California, who sets my heart on fire every time. It was nice of the legendary Sid Krofft to get on the phone with him when I was at GalaxyCon, it was a real treat for us both – also, it was nice to see some of his walls come down during these past few months.

Our relationship is such a precarious complicated one. The late-night laughs, the hours of banter and watching our favorite shows – I am finally experiencing Stargate SG-1 with him, and it has been so much fun. There are also so many cartoons I have been enjoying with him, snippets and snapshots of my childhood coming through, as I experience all of that with him. More on that in a bit –

The Edgar Allen Poe Speakeasy was definitely a test of my sobriety. I am so glad I had my bestie with me there and was so glad that she’s sober too. They served a drink with each tale being performed – Pale Blue Ice for Tell Tale Heart, The Cat’s Meow, (which was my favorite), for The Black Cat, some citrusy thing for The Raven, and a 100-proof Vodka drink called Red Death that had rose petals in it for The Masque of the Red Death. We had the non-alcoholic versions of those drinks, and I was kind of sad about it. I wish I could be able to drink responsibly and enjoy things, but it’s just not the same for a person like me. I didn’t mourn it too much, because the crowd was getting rowdy and my friend basically ran to her car to get away from all the stumbling patrons. Honestly, I think I would have been on the floor if I had the alcoholic version of those drinks. Still, the acting was incredible, and we had such a good time.

The same could be said about GalaxyCon which was jam packed with fun things to see, but I got stuck in a line for nearly four hours waiting for William Shatner. It was worth it though, because he’s 94, and Captain Kirk may not be around too much longer to give autographs. It was a rare opportunity that I had to take. I did get a chance to meet Billy Zane, who was very dashing, and like I mentioned earlier, I spent a lot of time with Sid Krofft and we talked about Land of the Lost and all the other cool shows he did in the 70s. He’s up there in age too, at 96, so that might have been my last chance to see him too. I was really happy he got to talk to Mr. California though, too bad my best friend was away from his phone when I tried to get Sid Krofft to call him too, but I did get autographs for both of them.

Life has been so up and down lately, even with all those fun things going on. I have been spending a lot of time with my bestie that I met on “Bumble for Friends” which is a great app if you’re looking for friends to do things with – but fair warning, it can be just as exhausting as online dating in some ways.

As far as Mr. California goes; this whole situation tugs on my heartstrings so much. I left so many desperate and pathetic voicemails for him on Thursday night, because I was so tired of our “situation” how it is. We had a long talk about it since, and even though it cleared up a few things, I am stuck in an endless cycle with a man that just can’t give me what I need, who I love with all my heart. It is up to me if I will cut ties and try to live my life and forget about him, or if I will keep on with the same thing. I don’t have the strength to leave him, but I know that we have isn’t healthy at all. Like Carrie Bradshaw once said, “he may be the one holding the whip, but I am the one constantly beating myself with it.”

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey love

My First Crush, My Last Crush

It’s hard to remember my first crush exactly, but I do know that when I was young, I used to have fantasies about the guys on TV. There was Riker from Star Trek the Next Generation, there was Michael Knight from Knight Rider, there was Face from A-Team, even William Shatner as Captain Kirk himself, (who I finally got to meet at GalaxyCon last year, swoon even at 91! lol). I loved them so much, and used to act out scenes from shows with them, pretending I was their love interest, (I had quite the imagination for a 10-year-old, lol).

Over the years, my relationships evolved into some versions of the men I used to crush over on TV. I got to meet a real-life version of Riker, but a Mexican version which is even sexier. My latest love interest, who I am working my hardest to be with again, is my Mexican Riker. He’s got the eyes, the hair, and of course, swoon, the beard! That luxurious beard how could a girl not go crazy! I still send him all kinds of products for his beard, I do love that he takes good care of it.

But one of the things that I am remembering about my Mexican Riker, were the words he wrote to me once. He called me his “first love, his true love” and I am brought back to the days when he was head over heels in love with me. We fell into so much passion, it was electrifying. My days and nights were filled with him encompassing my entire being, feelings that I just never experienced that with anyone else. All those years growing up, wishing and wanting a deep true love – I finally got to experience it last year. These days it’s just really painful, and I miss him with everything in me because the relationship just isn’t the same anymore; it is a far cry from the deep love we used to share. I find myself wanting and needing so much, only to get stopped by a giant wall and the enormous space between us. What I would give to be able to tell him how I really feel. What I would give to hear how much he wanted me again. It’s stabbing me in my heart every day.

So is he my first crush? Technically, yes. I was in love with Riker as a child, now I am in love with Mexican Riker 30 years later – and what a tragic love story it is.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Memorable Moments

There is no one favorite moment. I think for me, its a compilation of several with my ex. I am currently working on making him mine again, but it’s going to take some work. My manic episode last year really scared him, so he still has me blocked on his phone. That’s been causing me severe bouts of depression recently, because I can’t call him, and I just kind of have to wait around for him to call me. But when he does call, it’s hours of laughing, talking, watching things, and of course explosive phone sex.

He has retreated several times, calling all the phone sex a sort of “promise” of a relationship or future he just can’t commit to. That’s hard because I really want to be with him and love him with everything in my being. I reminisce about our favorite moments often – thinking about his handsome face on camera, his movements, and how those big brown eyes used to widen with love and wanting when he used to look at me. I miss him looking at me – I felt like a young teenager with my first crush when I was with him – the hours-long night conversations, followed by amazing sex sessions – just falling into him completely.

Long distance is difficult, but for the time that we had last year, time itself seemed to stand still. I watched my video blog where I would describe our relationship as a timeless romance or read his old messages where he called himself an “aging romantic.” Our memories burn inside of me when we talk now, because all I can think about is: “why doesn’t he love me like he once did?” Am I that different than I was back then? It’s so hard crying and crying, wishing and wishing for that time again. I listen to his favorite songs now with such melancholic wonder – the lyrics burning with so much wanting and needing. I crave him, my body and soul ache for him – and I think and obsess about the aches he used to have for me which are now long gone. But the memories, oh the memories of that amazing time still haunt me down to my bones today.

I love you Mr. California. I always will.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt

A “You’ve Got Mail” Moment in Time

My favorite moments in time are when me and my ex used to send each other messages without knowing what each other looked like. I LOVED that time – I was so open to it, and I loved what he used to say and what we used to talk about. I remember all the wants and needs, and how we were just two people grasping for each other for that one moment in time.

I did suggest that he see the movie, or at least the book “Shop Around the Corner.” We did see it together later on, and that was at a time when everything was so explosive. It was definitely my “hottest” online relationship because we both exploded into each other several times a day. We cammed, we phoned, we enveloped each other. He became my everything, I became his. We fell in love so deeply; he pursued me so relentlessly. I didn’t think it was possible to love so much or as much I loved my husband, but he came and blew all of that out of the window.

It’s been a year since those days, and I find myself reading his old messages to me, longing for that moment in time. I ache for him, my body pulses with thoughts of him. I love him so much, and it’s become my daily obsession, and I am starting to feel ashamed of myself because he no longer feels the same way. Don’t get me wrong, his boundaries of just emailing once or twice a day have now escalated to 4-5 hour long phone conversations, but it’s not the same as that all-encompassing passion that we once had. I crave him so much, I dream of him at night, and I know he holds himself back because of all the damage I caused our relationship.

I know it’s not possible, and people say you shouldn’t regret the past, but I wish with everything in me that I didn’t hurt him the way I did last year.

Every day I feel like I am still being punished for it.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Leaving Behind a Legacy of Service

Today’s prompt was asking what Legacy I want to leave behind. The answer is simply the service I can give to others. Being in AA and now the Legion of Mary, I have come to feel the rewards of a new life that used to be crowded with selfishness. I was always selfish, so self-absorbed in my own life and worries, I never thought about others or the impact I could have on their lives. Now, I believe, when people think of me, I want them to remember someone who gave back to their community, as someone who helped those in need, and most of all helped those suffering in addiction.

People can argue the existence of God till their blue in the face, but nothing can take what the feeling is like to know that God, what I call my higher power, took away my addition to alcohol. It is nothing short of a miracle, especially as someone who was a chronic morning drinker; someone who’s first thought as soon as I woke up was to take a drink. It was all-consuming, all the time, and it ruined my life and all my relationships. Only in surrendering to God, or to me Jesus Himself, was where I learned redemption and what my true purpose was.

As I move forward in life, I am meeting a lot of people who struggle with that same strife that I was able to leave behind. I guide them through the 12 Steps, I give them rides to meetings, and I help them understand that there is a life beyond the dark corners of addiction. In addition to that, I am very devout in my church, serving the community by visiting elderly couples, nursing homes, and delivering the Eucharist to those not able to attend mass. It is the most rewarding experience of my life, and I hope that once I pass the probationary period of my Legion, I will be ordained as a Eucharistic minister, and I could deliver the Host myself.

This is the legacy I want to leave behind. One of service, one of love, and one of duty to my community. From the floor of a jail cell to homelessness on the streets, I have been delivered through the Grace of God to do this work out of gratitude of saving me, saving my soul, and saving my family.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Opening Myself up to Love Again, the Last Risk I Took

When my husband was battling severe addiction and mental health issues, I had to make a decision. I had to leave him, and I didn’t know how. My parents had to step in, which they did so bravely, by putting him on a bus back to New York to his mom. I didn’t have the strength to do it – my marriage was rocky and crazy for so long, and I had just been incarcerated and homeless due to all the circumstances. I never would have gotten out of that if it wasn’t for my mom and dad to which whom I am eternally grateful.

But the big risk came just a few months later. I had been suffering a lot when my husband left – despite the rockiness and all the self-destructiveness, I still loved him and still yearned for him. I was on a mental health forum that I had been on for close to a decade, and just poured my heart out on there, making posts about my lack of sleep and all the crying I had been doing. A man messaged me on there, a really kind man, who only wished me good sleep. I had no idea what he looked like, or what his name was, but he made me feel really good – like someone in the world gave me comfort in my most brokenness.

After months of talking, I still hadn’t seen what this mystery man looked like – it was the longest I had ever gone without asking for a picture, but I didn’t think that it mattered because we were just friendly forum friends. Then one day, I sent him a picture, and he sent one back, and boy was I floored. He was the most gorgeous man I had ever seen, nothing that I had expected, heck, I didn’t even know what I expected, but it certainly wasn’t that. I fell in love instantly; after months of talking to this man, I finally got to see him, and I just wanted all of him – I wanted to talk to him, hear his voice, see him on cam, and see him in person, all in one shot, lol. When we finally got to the phone calls, it was so intense and was some of the best phone sex I ever had in my life, totally unexpected again. We eventually began dating, I don’t even know if it was online dating, because it was hours of phone, cam, everything, just all the time. I fell in love hard; it was the last big risk I ever took, and one that I am glad I did to this day.

Eventually, the honeymoon phase ended, and real life stepped in when my bipolar disorder took front seat, and a crazy manic episode ended up scaring him pretty badly. He felt unequipped to take care of me from so far away. I understood, and after months in the hospital, I finally landed back on Earth in a horrible depressive episode. Apparently, it’s normal for doctors to treat a manic patient by shooting them up with so many heavy drugs that it completely debilitates them, and that’s what happened to me. I was completely unfunctional for two months after months of being in the hospital. Suffice to say, 2025 turned out to be a rocky start.

Today, me and this guy are on speaking terms again, but just emails so far. There have been a few frequent phone calls with lots of phone sex, and conversation, but he is trying really hard to focus on what he needs to right now. Apparently, my manic episode sparked in him the inability to function in his life, where he needs to make his own choices for him and his kids. It was always a complicated situation, now it being ever more so with him trying to go to school to better his life. I am really proud of him and his decision, and even though my heart flutters every time I get an email or phone call, I have been focusing on myself a lot lately too. My baptism is tomorrow tonight at my Catholic church, and this is a really big step, being Muslim and entering into this world. This guy is Catholic and had been a huge influence in me learning about Catholicism, and a lot of my faith is wrapped up in my love for him. He’s not the reason I wanted to join the church, my calling started years before that, but knowing him and learning about what he knows, helped this journey a lot.

So right now, even though it can be painful because hours can go by without an email, and lonely nights turn into phone sex with a man I am head over heels for, things are just this way for now. Some of my friends approve, some don’t, but ultimately, I don’t want to let go. It was the risk I took, when I needed someone, and we are trying our best to stay in each other’s lives. I had tried to move on earlier in the year and failed miserably.

So how did it work out? Still a work in progress, lol.

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
When is the last time you took a risk? How did it work out?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt, Uncategorized

My Decision to Leave New York That Changed Me Forever

Leaving New York changed my life forever. It was my home for all my life, but a manic drug induced episode added with the self-destructive behavior of my husband, led me to North Carolina, which is the home I know and love now.

That decision led to my sobriety, and I have learned and grown so much since I left the concrete jungle back on Halloween of 2020. It was mostly due to COVID as to why I left – I was just furloughed from my job, and the job market in NYC was tanking due to the pandemic. It was time to go, and I knew it, plus, my husband had just picked up some larceny charges because he tried to steal a lawn mower in Home Depot, so we wanted to escape. Also, I wanted a new life away from all the drugs in NYC – I figured if I got my husband out of there, we would have a new life. Come to find out, it was worse than ever – you may be able to take the man away from the drugs, but you can’t take the drugs out of the man. He would always be an addict, like I would always be an alcoholic. Unfortunately, I would be the only one to address my addiction and do something about it, he decided to remain an addict, which ultimately led to me leaving him.

As a whole, the decision to leave NYC ended up being the best decision of my life. I have never known a better life here in North Carolina. I have so many friends, I was able to give a home for my boyfriend, (ex now, but I am trying to win him back), I have my independence, and I am living the life I have always wanted to live. It has been a long road to get here, but I don’t think I would have ever separated from my parents if I didn’t leave. I had lived so many years in a prison in their home, drinking into oblivion and ending up in a psych ward every year for almost 2 decades. I thought I would never break free and make a life for myself, and even though I had to go through jail and being homeless to do it, I feel it was all well worth it.

Cheers to living sober, and new beginnings.

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
Describe a decision you made in the past that helped you learn or grow.
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

The 5 EveryDay Things That Bring Me Happiness

Making my bed, taking a shower, (a must!), going for a walk or just going out, buying something for just me, (it could be very small for $1), and reaching out to friends, (companionship) – these are my happiness things for everyday living.

Reaching out to friends is huge for me, because I can’t stay isolated. The more I stay isolated, the more the “stinkin’ thinkin'” starts in my head. I need to connect to someone, listen to their problems, or just vent to them about what I am going through. I am fortunate enough to have my best friend, who I talk to every single night at the same time – we watch movies, shows and just talk and catch up about each other’s day. I also have been blessed with another good friend who is studying to be a therapist, so he has the best advice at how to handle things.

Going out for a walk or at least going out every day is also really important. It has become even more important since I have been dealing with my heartbreak, so I am not home pining for him. However, I stayed home today, and even though I wasn’t completely miserable, I was still checking my phone every 5 minutes for an email that doesn’t seem to come. Me and my ex have gotten closer over the past week or so – we’ve had sex 4 times, and at first, I had felt used by it, but after the other night, I have to realize that there is a bigger picture at work here. My ex has a lot he needs to do and accomplish; he is desperately trying to make a life for himself, and I am giving him the opportunity to work on himself and do just that. I can’t help that I am madly in love with him though, and he can’t resist the comfort of being with me. All I know is I am NO position to bring another man into this situation – he will get his heart broken, because I am still totally hung up on my ex. That’s why getting out every day has been critical to me keeping my sanity and not obsessing – these four walls close in really tight when you’re dealing with heartache.

Making my bed and taking a shower are two very essential things that bring me happiness. I think making my bed every day is a huge accomplishment – it makes me feel like I am ready for the day, and productive. Taking a shower is also another one like that – people don’t realize how important it is to take care of yourself and feel refreshed. I know in my depression; I used to skip days, and I would feel even worse about myself.

The final thing is buying something for myself, (even if it costs $1). I think that’s very important. I used to treat myself to a meal every day, but that got pricey, but if I get something small, maybe like a candy, just something to make me feel good that wasn’t a complete necessity, I will feel really good for the rest of the day.

I need to do these things every day to bring myself happiness, because I know I will drown in depression if I don’t. This thing with my ex is so difficult. He gives in to me some days, and then I don’t hear from him on others. I know this is what we both have to do – my path is leading me to God – the work I have to do is deeply involved in my community and my church, and by my ex doing this and taking care of his own life, I am able to focus on the things I need to do in mine. There are so many obstacles in both of our paths right now, but the two nights of passion I spent with him over the past two weeks proves how much we both still love and need each other. I can’t help being so in love with him, and he can’t help that his life needs fixing.

If I have to sacrifice being in love, then at least I can make myself feel happy every day.

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
What are 5 everyday things that bring you happiness?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

One Positive Change – I Choose Not to Drink Today

Out of any of the accomplishments I have ever had, this is the one that has been the most impactful on my life. I can’t tell you enough what it is like to be free from alcohol. Drugs were never my thing, but I did do drugs with my ex-husband, and it completely took over his life and changed him completely. It ultimately led to me leaving him, and from what I hear now, he is locked away in a psych ward somewhere – permanently.

I choose not to drink – not an easy feat. A lot of people have trouble with this because drinking is just so social and easy to slip into. But then, after a few social occasions, drinking can bring you to a dark place – a place where you find yourself recoiling from others and drinking alone. Then starts the obsession, day trips to the liquor store just when they open and then spiraling down into alcoholism. This is the place I was for 15 years – add on bipolar disorder and a trip to psych ward the same time every year – I was a prisoner of this disease with no way out.

It took extreme circumstances to get me out. I went to jail, was homeless, went to rehab, and was in sober living for nearly three years of ongoing craziness, trying to find my place in the world. Through all of that, I was sober and took a hard look at myself. My amazing parents did move here from New York to help me, but they refused to take me in when I was homeless, and it was the best thing they ever did for me. It allowed God to step in and allow me to move to my small, quiet North Carolina town where I have found community with so many amazing people.

God took the urge from me completely – I was a morning drinker – emptying half a Snapple every morning and filling the other half with vodka to get on the train and go to work every single morning for years because I was just drowning in my misery and not taking care of myself. Today, I take good care of my body and health, take my medicine and give back to the world in every way I can – a far cry from the person I used to be.

Today, I am happy, joyous and free – (despite a little heartbreak), which is one of the promises of AA.

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
Describe one positive change you have made in your life.
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