inspiredodyssey daily prompt

If it Were My Last Day

I don’t do enough of living my life to the fullest. Too much worry, stress, bills, relationship woes, drama, doom-scrolling — you name it.

But have you ever stopped to think: what if today was your last day on Earth?

That’s my #1 priority tomorrow.

I’ve spent far too long agonizing over Mr. California. He tries, he reaches out when he can. That’s that. Yesterday, my homeless friend reminded me of this. He said, “He may disappear, he may get quiet, but he always comes back. That’s just who he is.” My friend has so much wisdom, so much strength, and considering his situation, he’s surprisingly upbeat. He lives like every day might be his last — and there’s something holy in that.

Meanwhile, I’m a glutton for punishment. I let thoughts of Mr. California swirl around my brain like an addiction. Obsession. Codependency run amok. I need to stop. Starting tomorrow, I’m seeing this situation for what it is and living my life to the fullest.

When my ex-husband left, I was distraught. My world collapsed. It took everything in me just to change my phone number so he would finally leave me alone. When I found peace again, along came Mr. California. He showered me with love and affection like I’d never known. I fell so fast, so hard. Now things are different, and I’m holding on to the memory of that love — because I know that man is still in there, beneath all the guilt, burdens, and shame of his complicated life.

So where do I stand now? At the edge of something new. A precipice. Unfamiliar territory. A place where I finally have to deal with myself and rewrite my life’s language in terms of self-love, self-care, and living the way I’m meant to live.

I am excited about tomorrow.

No more drowning in sorrows.

If it were my last day, I wouldn’t want to spend it waiting for someone else to choose me. I’d want to live wide open.

And that’s where I’m going.

Stay tuned.

Daily writing prompt
What’s your #1 priority tomorrow?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

More Sleep and Definitely More Self-Care

Every day I deny myself something, more sleep, more time for myself, more love for myself. I admit I walk around with this self-hatred chip on my shoulder, one I have always had. I am not accepting of myself, and I definitely don’t love myself enough. I am working on that though, as the obsessions and the addictions I carry are slowly subsiding.

Mr. California hasn’t called me in two days. Tragic, life altering, earth-shattering to me a few months ago, but today, I am handling it in stride. I am spending more time with my best friend from NYC and just trying my best to not obsess and let my addiction get a hold of me. I am the first one to admit that I have traded my alcoholic mentality to a fixation on Mr. California: that transference is very real and prominent in my life. But as my best friend says, “if he calls, he calls, if he doesn’t, he doesn’t” – probably the wisest and simplest truth I have heard today.

I joined the NextDoor app again. Last time, I met a girl on there who was so crazy, I deleted the app and vowed not to go back, however, last night I opened it up again just to see what was new. They’ve changed the app, it looks much cleaner, and I actually found a cool Dell Wireless mouse for $5 that I am going to give my dad on Sunday. She wanted to meet at the library for the transaction, which felt kinda sketchy, but she turned out to be really nice. I wanted to ask her to coffee, but I decided against it, it felt too weird. She welcomed me to the neighborhood, and off I went with my new mouse, lol. I made a coffee date with another girl I met on there for Friday morning, so we will see how that turns out. All evidence of me trying to put myself out there, make more friends and not be so obsessed with Mr. California.

I am really sitting here worried I won’t get to talk to him for a third night in a row. I really hope this doesn’t become a habit. But I can’t let fear and doubt rule my life. My life has to go on because he’s 3,000 miles away and isn’t my boyfriend anymore – a hard truth that I really have to swallow. He loved me once, oh man, did he ever. He loved me so much, my heart used to burst with his love every night. But what I need to do more of is, I need to love myself more and stop pouring so much into him – into a dead relationship I keep trying to resurrect. He has a history of unhealthy relationships, so I should have known better. Did he get tired of me? Is he over me? Is he talking to someone else? So many spiraling questions swirling around in my head.

What I need to do is refocus. I need to enjoy tonight like I did last night. My life cannot be dependent on someone else’s actions, motives, or feelings for me. I learned that lesson with my husband, and Mr. California is teaching me, pushing me, and making me love myself and dedicate more time to myself as much as I am trying so hard to fight it.

Tonight is for me. And tomorrow. And the day after. And the day after that.

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
What could you do more of?
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inspiredodyssey Uncategorized

Your Existence Doesn’t Depend on Someone Else’s Love for You

I wish I could have understood this simple truth in my teenage and young adult years. I have spent 30 years on the quest for acceptance and love by people, places, and things, well outside of myself. I wasted most of my life chasing after people’s affections, mostly from men, chasing money, chasing dreams that were so fantastical in bipolar mania, chasing highs, just chasing everything that could be bring me the joy that I never bothered to give myself.

I am still in a learning stage of my life today. At 45 years old, this lesson is the hardest to learn; the lesson of self-acceptance, gratitude, and self-forgiveness. Just last night, I was punishing myself for committing a sin against my body and God, when it was just a release that my body has been craving for weeks now.

My ministry is very important to me. I would not have gone on this journey if Mr. California hadn’t suggested that I meet with the priest and discuss joining the church. I would have stayed an outsider forever. It was hard because I was born and raised Muslim, and I am honestly the only one of my race here in this rural area of North Carolina. However, that didn’t stop my journey, or the amazing people who helped me and welcomed me with open arms into their church. These days, I am also so involved and grateful to be a part of something so rewarding like the Legion of Mary of my newly joined Catholic Church. Every Sunday, I bring Communion to elderly parishioners who can’t make it to church, and whether it is nursing homes or residences, it is always a magical and soul-filling experience. I am on my way to becoming a Eucharistic minister soon, so I can be the one who carries Jesus to them, as well as looking into restarting the jail ministry that stopped during COVID. Being formerly incarcerated myself, I know how important outreach is to these institutions. Spreading the Word as well as recovery from substances, would be so helpful right now.

I would have never made it this far if I were still sitting at my computer, trolling chatrooms and sex websites, giving of myself to all kinds of debaucheries online, drowning in alcohol, and chasing the highs of the attention of any man who would show me any. It was a desperate time, fueled by my teenage years of clubbing and drinking, searching, and searching for the love of my life to marry me and be with forever. My entire childhood was filled with dreams of falling deeply in love with someone who would take care of me; long nights and days filled with dreaming of the perfect man through TV shows and endless movies, then suddenly coming to a twisted realization later on, that I could only find that through sex. Fast forward to the wild ride I went on with my crack additcted, schizophrenic husband, where the final breaking point of obsession, madness, sexual chaos, and brokenness led us both to our doom and divorce.

These days it’s all so different. Yeah, I might be guilty of a little doom scrolling through Reddit or Facebook here and there, but my life isn’t consumed in online chatrooms or sex sites, drinking, chaos, or mental instiutions anymore. My life changed when I confessed my truth on the floor of that dirty jail cell in 2021. There I found my calling, I found my answer, and I have spent the last 4 years in sobriety walking towards God and trying to find my peace. And the obsession of finding a man to take care of me and loving me? It is still there, just not as it used to be. My existence no longer depends on someone else’s love for me. This crazy love affair with Mr. California has taught me so much about myself and how much growth was needed, and how wide my eyes have opened knowing that all that love and energy that I pour out into people needs to be poured back into myself.

I still have a lot to learn, but at least I am headed in the right direction.

Stay tuned.

Daily writing prompt
Share a lesson you wish you had learned earlier in life.
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inspiredodyssey love

This Man Lights a Fire in Me

I remember the night of sex with my ex-husband, that was so orgasmic, I never thought anyone would match. But with Mr. California, my legs can’t stop squirming on a daily basis. Tonight was one of those nights. I just was on the couch talking to him, imagining what it would be like if he was on my couch with me, (we were trying to watch some really cool Justice League cartoons and a really good Stargate SG1 episode), but in between commercials, there was so much heavy flirting and teasing, I was dying for him so much.

This new chapter in our relationship is an interesting one. In the beginning, it was just as explosive, probably more so, because he was so openly in love with me and couldn’t contain how much he wanted me – marriage was even mentioned. Since then, through all the trials and tribulations, the heartache and pain we caused each other, the need and the chaos, the forgiveness, and desperation, we have come to this sort of compromised state. I am still blocked, and I know why I am; I lost that privilege when I showed him the real meaning of crazy. He said he would unblock me eventually, but I honestly feel a bit at peace with it. I leave him voicemails filled with prayers and love, and emails full of teasing and want. His calls come regularly and nightly, and to some that may seem incredibly unfair – even he said it all feels uneven, but to me I love him so much that I will take him in whatever form he is willing to give me.

This opportunity of freedom gives me the chance to go out and be in the world. I saw my bestie in Raleigh today, then my sci-fi friend, then took a nice drive to my parent’s house while they are out of town to take care of the property. The drive brought on tears, revelations, eighties music with thoughts of him, adventures I fantasized about and the realization that this exactly where God wants me right now. Everything that led up to this beautiful day, is the place and the duty that I was given since the floor of that jail cell, where I promised Jesus that I would never drink again, and join the church he founded by his apostles. Since that promise, I lost my husband, was homeless, lived with so many dramatic women in sober houses before finally finding my own place, then met Mr. California when I absolutely wasn’t looking and definitely didn’t expect to fall in love so hard and so deeply.

I don’t know what lays before me, but since taking my vows to Legion of Mary, and my promise to Christ to do his work and pursue a jail ministry, preaching God and sobriety, I think I am in the exact right place at the exact right time.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Serendipitous – My Favorite Word

I think it’s been my favorite word since I saw “Serendipity” (2001) with John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale. It simply means “happy chance, but can be interpreted as a form of fate or destiny”, something I have always believed in since I was a little girl. Many can argue that we make our own fate – as Sarah Conner showed us in Terminator 2: Judgement Day, but do we really? Are we really in control of our own destinies? What part does God play in all of that? When people say it’s in “God’s Time” or trust God’s plan, is that intertwined with fate as well?

Such big questions. I think serendipitous describes a lot of what transpired in my life between 2019 and now. I met my ex-husband in a psych ward, and the ride we went on through madness, drugs, chaos, incarceration and homelessness, taught me that no matter how much we try and force the hand of fate and bend it to our will, our actions and the deeds we do, directly result in what ultimately happens to us. It is said that angels are jealous of us because we have “free will”, God’s greatest gift to us. But is our will really free? Are the things that happen to us due to our many choices just all random, and not our destiny?

I think about that in terms of Mr. California. I write and think about him a lot these days, mainly because of how much in love with him I am. Was it serendipitous that we met? Did the long nights of tears over my ex-husband, pain and anguish I felt finally break because fate intervened? What made Mr. California message me that one January night? Why did I answer? I will never forget his first message to me – just something simple like “I am sorry you’re hurting, I hope you are able to sleep.” I don’t even know why I answered. but I did, and the heartbreak and grief that I had been feeling for months was lifted into the dramatic love affair that I was suddenly swept up in.

The problem with all of this is, I never got a chance to be single. I never knew what it was like to be completely on my own, feel all the feelings of solitude, loneliness, and singledom. I never got to really enjoy my apartment and all the freedoms that come with it. But, again, in a serendipitous twist that felt like fate, I was hospitalized so traumatically that it broke whatever relationship me and Mr. California had, bringing us to where we are now. These days, I am on my own a lot – there aren’t any more texts, and calls during the day – it is just me out in the world, rediscovering who I am, remembering how much I wanted to be free for so many years, practicing my faith in all ways that I can, and learning to love who I am – all without chasing after a man. I still enjoy my nightly calls with him, and there is lots of fun, laughs and sex, but not on the terms they were on before. This time it’s different, more shaky, more woven in the ways of rebuilding a foundation of what once was.

This is serendipitous new ground. The kind that God wants me to see. And yes, I have my free will – I always did, but the thread of my life that hangs in the balance is no longer dependent on the love of a man, but the love that I have for myself.

Daily writing prompt
What’s your favorite word?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Telephone Love

It’s funny, isn’t it? In a time of camming and video messaging, the phone is still glued to my ear when I am talking to the love of my life. We used to Skype, (RIP, I hate you Microsoft), but those days are long gone. I asked if he wanted to video chat again, but it doesn’t seem to be his thing anymore, which is fine – but man am I missing how those big, brown beautiful eyes used to get even bigger when they used to stare at me – SWOON – God it’s been way too long.

Long distance is hard, for anyone, but it is especially hard for two people with such damanging, codependent behaviors. He outright admitted to me that he has never been in a healthy relationship, and I have to admit, I have never been in one either. But who has? Can you guys honestly tell me that your relationships are healthy? I hate to be pessimistic, but I can’t see one relationship that doesn’t have a thread of narcissism, uneveness, some sort of power dynamic, or just one person who is happy and one who just isn’t and the other one has no clue. I have been participating in the black hole of the internet recently, (Reddit), and I see so many posts about someone being completely blindsided that their partner has left them. I know this doesn’t go for ALL relationships, but it’s for a good amount, I think.

I am trying to navigate the best I can around Mr. California. He is moody, worrisome, achy, everything you would expect of a man approaching 50, I guess. It’s funny that I never saw these behaviors when we were actually dating last year, and now that things are so different, and our relationship is undefined, I am starting to see exactly what kind of man he is. He is infuriating to me at times, but then again, no relationship is perfect.

But it is not all gloom and doom – there is SO much love between us, it’s intoxicating. This man makes me feel so young again – we watch so many cool movies and shows like Justice League and Fraggle Rock, that I get to relive my childhood all over with him again. I feel a little like Jenna Rink in 13 going on 30, especially when she talks about sharing Razzles with Matty – me and Mr. California talk about all the cool snacks and candies, and send them to each other all the time. This time around I got him some Whatchamacallits, which really brought him back – back to when life, responsibility and worry didn’t plague his mind.

So, what am I doing this evening? I am going to be spending some time on the phone with the man I love, (if he calls). I am still blocked, (his boundary), but he does call me and we spend hours of laughs and bliss together – kind of like two teenagers on a landline in the 80s. It’s cute, it gives me tons of butterflies – and on the rare occassion we have phone sex, which is honestly, some of the best I’ve ever had. We will make it work, it will just take time. There is a lot of healing to be done after how much I hurt him last year.

Stay tuned.

Daily writing prompt
What are you doing this evening?
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inspiredodyssey Uncategorized

Here Come the Holidays ….

So, I always made a big deal of Christmas, but for most holidays I was always alone. My family never really celebrated, (other than Christmas morning), so there was never anything to really get excited about. HOWEVER, in a wonderful, blissful, turn of events, I will be spending the upcoming holidays with Mr. California watching so many amazing TV shows, cartoons, and movies.

We planned it last year when he selflessly sent me two hard drives filled to the max with tons and tons of tv shows, movies and cartoons, from nostalgic years to present blockbusters. I was floored – it was the best present anyone had ever given me, and it must have taken countless hours of ripping DVDs, (and even VHS), onto media files to fill these hard drives. He even sent me a Samsung DVD player that has a USB port, so I can play the media files on. SO THOUGHTFUL!! *Swoon* But alas, we never found time last year because we were busy camming on Skype, (RIP. I hate you Microsoft), or time on the phone just falling more and more in love.

Fast forward to this year, where circumstances have things really different now; Skype is gone, and we just have all this time on the phone to hang out and watch things together. The latest thing has been Stargate SG-1. I never watched the show, and Mr. California has every season on DVD. We started out with him Dropboxing me episodes as we watched them, but I found out that Amazon Prime had every season, along with every season of Stargate: Atlantis, (I want to tackle that next), so we started watching there, (hate the commercials though).

On a good note, I really got into the Christmas spirit today because I am a huge action figure and doll collector, and I thought it would be cool if I can get him an action figure from the series for Christmas. The problem is these action figures are extremely rare because SG-1 never made enough of them. So, I found myself buying a $130 action figure for him, which is WAY beyond what I had in my Christmas budget for him, but I honestly thought would be really cool. Also, I am going to get a nice clear display case to send too, because hey, he better keep it safe! Also, as a side Christmas present for myself, (I already overdid it by buying myself a retro PS2), I got the female lead in Stargate SG-1 – who his action figure is in love with. So, he has the boy, and I have the girl, how cute!

Okay, I realize all of that sounds completely crazy because things are so tight money wise right now, but you know, the memories I am making with him I can’t put a price tag on.

And I didn’t even tell you the best part! I am really looking forward to Halloween! Part of the stuff he gave me on the hard drive was a File Folder called “Halloween and SPOOKY things,” I love that! There is so much in there, like Scooby Doo stuff, Charlie Brown Stuff, Ghostbusters and Beetlejuice stuff, Evil Dead Stuff, and tons of fun stuff to watch this Halloween season! He said he was going to make a list, and I should make a list, so we can come together and figure out what we want to watch together in the month of October. I am so excited! And of course, when the spooky stuff is over, we will look forward to December and all the Christmas stuff. I can’t tell you the joy it would bring me to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” with him – it’s my all-time favorite Christmas movie.

So yeah, things definitely look different after my manic episode last year, but at least I get to explore so many new things with Mr. California now, that I am so excited about. I have also learned more about his moodiness, his silence, his stress, all his worries, and all the things he says he hates about himself that ruin all his relationships. Little does he know, I am in it for the long haul, and he has my heart directly in his hands.

Here’s to a great holiday season!

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
How do you celebrate holidays?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Two Weeks of Bliss

I am going to talk to this beautiful man again, like I have been for the last two weeks. Every evening has been filled with love, laughter, Stargate SG1, Batman or Justice League cartoons, Fraggle Rock, or some other cool show that is from the hard drive(s) he gave me for my birthday and updated a few months ago. I am falling more and more in love with Mr. California – and it looks like we have finally made a breakthrough.

Things were rough the past 9 months. When I came out of the psych ward in January, it had been months since I talked to or heard from him. His last words of “I don’t know you, I don’t know who you are, who are you??!!” echoed in my head for months as we communicated strictly through email because I was blocked, (I am still blocked, but I have made peace with that, it’s just his boundaries now). But during those months, I used to just wait and wait for an email, and my days and nights were so tormented. Anything the Italian Stallion, (my ex-husband), had done was nothing compared to the months of torment I endured just hanging on a thread, waiting around for an email that sometimes never came.

I will admit, sometimes I used to think of the Italian Stallion on the nights when Mr. California was silent, but then I quickly shook myself back to my senses. The Italian Stallion may have been the best sex I had up until Mr. California, but nothing would ever cause me to go backwards.

These days, things are really good. Last month, my heartstrings were being torn apart because the more me and Mr. California would talk, (and sometimes have sex), the more I wanted to be with him, and the more his walls were refusing to come down. But recently, when things were getting really bad, I just came out and asked him if he had someone else, which I think totally took him by surprise. Since then, he has called every night and been completely consistent and present, and my heart is soaring with joy. Also, the nights of passion have helped, which were initially fueled by the many sexy pictures I kept sending him – which is his greatest weakness. His latest picture had me soaring too, only because it’s been so long since I’ve seen him, our camming days are long over. I still remember the night he just plain out nixed that idea.

So, what am I doing this evening? Hopefully, it’s another night of bliss with my Mexican Riker, (Star Trek the Next Generation), he wears that beard so well – *swoon*

I also have to make more blog posts; my blog has been severely lacking lately. I need to keep more records of all of this other than my YouTube channel.

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
What are you doing this evening?
View all responses