inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Heartbreak – A Vicious Cycle

Today’s prompt asks, “what am I feeling right now”? Ultimate Heartbreak is the best answer. I am in love with a man that loved me so much once, one that helped get over the loss of my husband, one who promised to love and take care of me, but who now gaslights me and breadcrumbs me with scraps like a dog. I can’t express the pain of what I feel – by not having the strength to let go of someone who longer loves me, who is left begging every night with emails and voicemails, only to go to sleep heartbroken with a pillow full of tears. He still calls me, and keeps in contact with me, but only at the bare minimum. When I say it’s like he treats me like a dog he’s giving scraps to, it’s not an exaggeration at all. Everyone says, “just block him and move on,” but don’t you think if it was that easy, I would have done it already?

I am too worthless to break free. Today I am going to Confession and tell Father that my heartbreak is taking me away from God. I know God has plans for me that I can’t see or understand, but I know He wouldn’t want me living my life this way. I spent so long in darkness when I lived in NY, and now to do a repeat of those dark years finally living on my own seems so sad and is no way to live. Why do I put my value and worth on what a man thinks of me or feels for me? Can I not learn to live alone and enjoy my freedom and independence?

It is noon on a Saturday, and I have a whole day ahead of me. My best friend usually spends his whole day watching TV, I am starting to learn something from him- I currently have been reminiscing with Xena: Warrior Princess and will probably read some of my Star Wars book later. You know, I don’t have pressure, I don’t have stress, all my needs are met, and I have a mom and dad that love me and sacrificed everything for me. Why can’t I just be grateful? Why did I let this man come into my life and destroy me in such a way? My ex-husband was so toxic and basically destroyed my life, and now I am headed down a similar path in all my self-destruction. I want to look back on this and remember that I have been given all the opportunities in the world to enjoy my life, but I choose to stay wallowing in pain.

I don’t want to live like this anymore.

This is my cry for help.

Please make it stop.

Stay Tuned.

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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

What I’ve Been Excited About Lately

Life has been pretty interesting lately. The Edgar Allen Poe Speakeasy came to town, and GalaxyCon was a blast. Of course, the most exciting part of my day is always getting a phone call from Mr. California, who sets my heart on fire every time. It was nice of the legendary Sid Krofft to get on the phone with him when I was at GalaxyCon, it was a real treat for us both – also, it was nice to see some of his walls come down during these past few months.

Our relationship is such a precarious complicated one. The late-night laughs, the hours of banter and watching our favorite shows – I am finally experiencing Stargate SG-1 with him, and it has been so much fun. There are also so many cartoons I have been enjoying with him, snippets and snapshots of my childhood coming through, as I experience all of that with him. More on that in a bit –

The Edgar Allen Poe Speakeasy was definitely a test of my sobriety. I am so glad I had my bestie with me there and was so glad that she’s sober too. They served a drink with each tale being performed – Pale Blue Ice for Tell Tale Heart, The Cat’s Meow, (which was my favorite), for The Black Cat, some citrusy thing for The Raven, and a 100-proof Vodka drink called Red Death that had rose petals in it for The Masque of the Red Death. We had the non-alcoholic versions of those drinks, and I was kind of sad about it. I wish I could be able to drink responsibly and enjoy things, but it’s just not the same for a person like me. I didn’t mourn it too much, because the crowd was getting rowdy and my friend basically ran to her car to get away from all the stumbling patrons. Honestly, I think I would have been on the floor if I had the alcoholic version of those drinks. Still, the acting was incredible, and we had such a good time.

The same could be said about GalaxyCon which was jam packed with fun things to see, but I got stuck in a line for nearly four hours waiting for William Shatner. It was worth it though, because he’s 94, and Captain Kirk may not be around too much longer to give autographs. It was a rare opportunity that I had to take. I did get a chance to meet Billy Zane, who was very dashing, and like I mentioned earlier, I spent a lot of time with Sid Krofft and we talked about Land of the Lost and all the other cool shows he did in the 70s. He’s up there in age too, at 96, so that might have been my last chance to see him too. I was really happy he got to talk to Mr. California though, too bad my best friend was away from his phone when I tried to get Sid Krofft to call him too, but I did get autographs for both of them.

Life has been so up and down lately, even with all those fun things going on. I have been spending a lot of time with my bestie that I met on “Bumble for Friends” which is a great app if you’re looking for friends to do things with – but fair warning, it can be just as exhausting as online dating in some ways.

As far as Mr. California goes; this whole situation tugs on my heartstrings so much. I left so many desperate and pathetic voicemails for him on Thursday night, because I was so tired of our “situation” how it is. We had a long talk about it since, and even though it cleared up a few things, I am stuck in an endless cycle with a man that just can’t give me what I need, who I love with all my heart. It is up to me if I will cut ties and try to live my life and forget about him, or if I will keep on with the same thing. I don’t have the strength to leave him, but I know that we have isn’t healthy at all. Like Carrie Bradshaw once said, “he may be the one holding the whip, but I am the one constantly beating myself with it.”

Stay tuned.