inspiredodyssey love

My First Crush, My Last Crush

It’s hard to remember my first crush exactly, but I do know that when I was young, I used to have fantasies about the guys on TV. There was Riker from Star Trek the Next Generation, there was Michael Knight from Knight Rider, there was Face from A-Team, even William Shatner as Captain Kirk himself, (who I finally got to meet at GalaxyCon last year, swoon even at 91! lol). I loved them so much, and used to act out scenes from shows with them, pretending I was their love interest, (I had quite the imagination for a 10-year-old, lol).

Over the years, my relationships evolved into some versions of the men I used to crush over on TV. I got to meet a real-life version of Riker, but a Mexican version which is even sexier. My latest love interest, who I am working my hardest to be with again, is my Mexican Riker. He’s got the eyes, the hair, and of course, swoon, the beard! That luxurious beard how could a girl not go crazy! I still send him all kinds of products for his beard, I do love that he takes good care of it.

But one of the things that I am remembering about my Mexican Riker, were the words he wrote to me once. He called me his “first love, his true love” and I am brought back to the days when he was head over heels in love with me. We fell into so much passion, it was electrifying. My days and nights were filled with him encompassing my entire being, feelings that I just never experienced that with anyone else. All those years growing up, wishing and wanting a deep true love – I finally got to experience it last year. These days it’s just really painful, and I miss him with everything in me because the relationship just isn’t the same anymore; it is a far cry from the deep love we used to share. I find myself wanting and needing so much, only to get stopped by a giant wall and the enormous space between us. What I would give to be able to tell him how I really feel. What I would give to hear how much he wanted me again. It’s stabbing me in my heart every day.

So is he my first crush? Technically, yes. I was in love with Riker as a child, now I am in love with Mexican Riker 30 years later – and what a tragic love story it is.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Memorable Moments

There is no one favorite moment. I think for me, its a compilation of several with my ex. I am currently working on making him mine again, but it’s going to take some work. My manic episode last year really scared him, so he still has me blocked on his phone. That’s been causing me severe bouts of depression recently, because I can’t call him, and I just kind of have to wait around for him to call me. But when he does call, it’s hours of laughing, talking, watching things, and of course explosive phone sex.

He has retreated several times, calling all the phone sex a sort of “promise” of a relationship or future he just can’t commit to. That’s hard because I really want to be with him and love him with everything in my being. I reminisce about our favorite moments often – thinking about his handsome face on camera, his movements, and how those big brown eyes used to widen with love and wanting when he used to look at me. I miss him looking at me – I felt like a young teenager with my first crush when I was with him – the hours-long night conversations, followed by amazing sex sessions – just falling into him completely.

Long distance is difficult, but for the time that we had last year, time itself seemed to stand still. I watched my video blog where I would describe our relationship as a timeless romance or read his old messages where he called himself an “aging romantic.” Our memories burn inside of me when we talk now, because all I can think about is: “why doesn’t he love me like he once did?” Am I that different than I was back then? It’s so hard crying and crying, wishing and wishing for that time again. I listen to his favorite songs now with such melancholic wonder – the lyrics burning with so much wanting and needing. I crave him, my body and soul ache for him – and I think and obsess about the aches he used to have for me which are now long gone. But the memories, oh the memories of that amazing time still haunt me down to my bones today.

I love you Mr. California. I always will.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt

A “You’ve Got Mail” Moment in Time

My favorite moments in time are when me and my ex used to send each other messages without knowing what each other looked like. I LOVED that time – I was so open to it, and I loved what he used to say and what we used to talk about. I remember all the wants and needs, and how we were just two people grasping for each other for that one moment in time.

I did suggest that he see the movie, or at least the book “Shop Around the Corner.” We did see it together later on, and that was at a time when everything was so explosive. It was definitely my “hottest” online relationship because we both exploded into each other several times a day. We cammed, we phoned, we enveloped each other. He became my everything, I became his. We fell in love so deeply; he pursued me so relentlessly. I didn’t think it was possible to love so much or as much I loved my husband, but he came and blew all of that out of the window.

It’s been a year since those days, and I find myself reading his old messages to me, longing for that moment in time. I ache for him, my body pulses with thoughts of him. I love him so much, and it’s become my daily obsession, and I am starting to feel ashamed of myself because he no longer feels the same way. Don’t get me wrong, his boundaries of just emailing once or twice a day have now escalated to 4-5 hour long phone conversations, but it’s not the same as that all-encompassing passion that we once had. I crave him so much, I dream of him at night, and I know he holds himself back because of all the damage I caused our relationship.

I know it’s not possible, and people say you shouldn’t regret the past, but I wish with everything in me that I didn’t hurt him the way I did last year.

Every day I feel like I am still being punished for it.

Stay Tuned.