Just as the title says – I have prayed my entire life for independence, sobriety, and a peace of mind which includes stable mental health, and I am absolutely living that life today. After being an alcoholic and bipolar mess for so many years, I can honestly say as I look around my apartment, (after spending an amazing Sunday afternoon with my incredible parents), that the HELL I went through is totally worth the life I have now.
I still battle with thoughts of my ex-husband – I know he is still stuck in the clutches of addiction. I know how much he is struggling, and how much it hurts his family. Every now and then, a song would come on the radio, and I would find myself crying at a stoplight because I would be so overwhelmed with guilt because I turned my back on him. But how could I not? I went to jail for this man, I did drugs with this man, I robbed stores with this man, I lost myself in this man. When I realized that I had to change my phone number too, I knew that it would be the final line drawn in the sand. I knew that it would be last time I would hear his voice. Everything in me wants to sometimes call his mom and get the phone number to where he is, and just hear his voice again and tell him everything is going to be okay – but I know I can’t – it’s not a road I want to travel down. Plus, how will I ever explain a move like that to the loving boyfriend I have now? NOPE. IMPOSSIBLE.
But there are so, so many tears of joy in my life now. Driving down the roads in my neighborhood especially, knowing how many people I know, how many church people’s houses I have visited, the AA clubhouse I attend, and just growing more and more in a community that is so loving and giving to this New York City explant. I never in a million years thought I would leave the confines of a small, tiny room in my parent’s house – let alone have my own beautiful two-bedroom apartment with a cozy butterfly-themed guestroom for all my amazing friends to stay over in.
In all, I have to say, sobriety is the absolute key to all of this success. People say, “well I can use CBD or smoke weed. “Oh no you effin’ can’t. You’ve GOT to get rid of all that crap if you ever expect to live a sane life. Every single thing that alters your mind, also alters your mood, and I am sorry to say that also goes for mental health medicine. I know, I know, some people really need their medication, trust me I know, I still have to take mine, but I don’t have to flood my body with tons of medications that I know I can fight through and do without. Like the Lithium that I have finally come off of after 12 years of being on it – I can’t even tell you what kind of battle that is like, but sometimes you just need to FEEL what you need to feel and ride the wave till you come back to your normal self. That’s called having a thick skin, soldiering through, and womaning up, and it’s one of the main reasons why I live so good today. So yeah, tears of joy = the life I live today, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Stay tuned.
An Inspired Odyssey Through✨️Ink & Stardust✨️ 