To me the legacy I want to leave is one about hope and ultimate triumph. There were so many rock bottoms in my life, I mean, there was rock bottom, ten feet of crap, pond scum, then me. That’s where I was and where I have been, especially when I was laying on the floor of a jail cell in late 2021.
I just want to say, stay positive. So cliche to say that, but it’s so true. We speak so much of our lives into existence. Yoda says, there is do or do not, there is no try – and I can’t tell you how true that is. If you say, “I am going to try to go out today, I am going to try and get a better job, or I am going to try to be a better partner,” 9 times out of 10 it will not come to pass. You are either going to DO it, or you Don’t.
So much of being in rock bottom, is a lot of our own making. Sure, there are outside circumstances that can put us there, but we don’t have to lay there and wallow in it. It’s like my therapist told me, “We aren’t going to talk about your past at all, we will focus on the present and how that relates how to build a better future.” Thank God I searched out a therapist that is an actual psychologist with a PhD and not one who just took an online course and is suddenly a “therapist.” Trust me people, it does make a difference. We spend so much of our lives rehashing the past over and over, that we just end up living in it and never moving forward. These kinds of ways of thinking are how I have broken out of the biggest rock bottoms of my life.
My legacy is my story, in the way it shows how I have overcome so much in such a short period of time. Rock bottom doesn’t have to break you, it can propel you, to heights and a life greater than one you can ever imagine.
It’s the one thing you NEVER are supposed to do -and the main thing that I did in my marriage. Sometimes when we are in relationships, we want to do everything for the other person, sacrificing who we are and all our wants and dreams for the happiness of someone else.
It’s the biggest mistake and greatest sacrifice I have ever made, and one of the biggest regrets of my life.
Another sacrifice was that I gave up my friends. My husband was so jealous of any relationship I had outside of ours, whether it was just friendships with men or women. I wanted to be married so bad, and I wanted to be showered by his love so much, that I didn’t care that I had to give those important people up, even though it was very hurtful because I missed them so much. One piece of advice I would give to anyone in a relationship is NEVER give up your friends, you have no idea how much you need them. And what was so hypocritical of me at the time was that I always hated how women used to ditch their friends when they got into a relationship, and I ended up doing the same thing. Lesson learned so remember, don’t throw stones in glass houses.
As I enter into this new world of freedom, now that me and my husband are no longer together, I am very adamant of what I want in the next relationship. All I know is that I will never sacrifice my freedom again, or who I am as a person. I had lost so much of myself in that marriage, and I didn’t even realize that I don’t even know who I am anymore. But being able to discover who I am again, is not a bad thing, it’s just that I didn’t know of how lost I was all those years.
Now, I am happy to report that it’s been six months since my husband has left and I am just now feeling feelings again. Most of it has to do with this very small budding romance that I have going with a very special friend. He has been so supportive during this whole process, and now that it is evolving into something more, I am taking my time and enjoying it for what it is. There is no definite plan and that’s the most beautiful part about it.
There is something to be said for being single and living on your own – away from the world, tucked away in your own universe. Some would say it’s lonely, but is it really? To be able to watch whatever you want on TV, freedom. To be able to go wherever you want, and be around whoever you want, to stay up as late as you want, pig out whenever you want, absolute freedom. There are so many more examples, but you get the idea.
Freedom to me, is the entire world being open to you – where there are no restrictions on you whatsoever. I wanted to be married more than anything else at one point in my life, but I really don’t think people realize exactly what it means to be married to someone, or even just living with someone. Your sacred safe place is yours and yours alone – where you get to come home after a long day’s work and face just all-encompassing peace and tranquility. A mentor of mine really overstepped the other day when she told a girl she was trying to help that I would put her up for a couple of months because she was going through domestic violence. I feel bad she’s going through that situation, but there is no way in hell I am opening my home to a total stranger after I worked so hard for my independence – especially for a couple of months. I mean am I wrong for thinking how crazy it is for someone else to offer someone MY place to stay? I really wanted to ask her why she didn’t offer up her own place, you know?
Anyway, sorry for sidetracking, we’re talking about freedom.
But wait a minute, isn’t that situation an example of freedom too? Being able to say “NO” is a form of freedom as well. Too many times we feel obligated to say “YES” to people when we really want to say no. As a matter of fact, the first words out of my mouth when she said she told the girl that she could stay with me for a couple of months were, “oh, no, I don’t think so.” She didn’t even ask me; she just straight up told the girl she could stay with me. Sorry, lol, it’s irking me more than it should. But I have the freedom to say “no” if I choose, and I absolutely did.
My freedom is the most precious thing in the world to me these days. I don’t think I will be able to be in a relationship for a very long time because of how much my freedom means to me. It’s not that anyone ever really told me what to do, but there are so many compromises I had to make that I just don’t want to make anymore. What if I want to talk to 5 guys at a time? Haha, I’m not, but I totally could if I wanted to. What if I want to take a trip across the whole world for a weekend – why not? I just love that I could. To me freedom to be absolutely carefree with no responsibilities other than those for myself, is such a gift, and it’s one of the things that God has blessed me with and has shown me what to appreciate.
And of course, the biggest freedom of all – not being dependent on a drug or substance anymore. I don’t think anyone realizes what freedom from addiction really means. People wonder why the people of AA or NA are so giving and kind, or even so helpful – because the FREEDOM is so amazing in itself, they just want to share it with as many people as possible. For me being sober for three years is the biggest example of freedom I could ever have. I just wish my ex-husband could have that too. He is still so deep in it and will be for a long time, because as of right now, going out “once a month and partying” seems to be his MO, and he doesn’t think it’s a big deal. But he isn’t free, he is still hooked, and being slave to that is a feeling I never want to have again.
And of course, finally, real freedom is being able to live here in America. A land that I love, that has given me so much opportunity. I never thought I would live in a world where I thought twice about actually saying that out loud, but I wouldn’t be true to myself if I didn’t mention how grateful I am to be here in the land of the free.
An Inspired Odyssey Through✨️Ink & Stardust✨️ 