I say this because I am going to the concert in the summer alone, which is scary considering the world we live in, but it won’t stop me from saying goodbye to an era by seeing an Icon in concert that I grew up with.
I saw Jennifer Lopez a lot when I lived in the Bronx in the mid-90s. I used to ride the 6 train to work from a station not too far away from Castle Hill Avene where she used to live. She was big in dance studios back then, always practicing, relentless at what she wanted in life. I wanted to be a dancer too, but let’s face it, my experience only came from Salsa and Bachata at half the Latin clubs in NYC with my fake ID. Who was I kidding?
I listened to “This is Me Now,” the single on her newest album in 10 years tonight, and I realized how much we actually have in common. My quest for love drove me most of my life. I ignored every red flag, throwing myself into failed relationship after failed relationship, because like JLO said, “they asked me what I wanted to be, and a woman in love is what I wanted to grow up to be.” I wanted love SO badly, absolutely every waking moment, that I pushed my dreams aside, my career aside, even my health aside for this quest of blissful matrimony I always wanted.
So, what’s the phase that I want to let go of? The “Love” phase of my life as I call it. It’s the time period between 2005-2019 – 15 years of unrelented searching, because honestly, those were such dark years. I looked up a past blog, and the things I wrote about were so heartbreaking, that I couldn’t imagine why or how I did that to myself. During this “Love” phase, I hurt so bad, I gave myself to men, I had no respect for myself, and when I FINALLY found someone to love me completely, he led me down a road of sex, drugs, addiction, and incarceration and crime. So much for happily ever after, with my loving husband.
Today, I realize that “Love” is just a state of mind. If you have it, more power to you, I’m happy for you. For me, it was an obsession. I used to agonize that I was too fat and ugly to ever find someone to love me, not only am I much FATTER now, but my husband loved me no matter what size I was, which is the way it should be.
Today, I have entered a new phase of life. I have put jail and rehab behind me, I even sent my husband back to New York to stay with his family, while I start a new life in another state. And I find it serendipitous that the daily prompt tonight is this topic, because tonight when I was scrolling through Facebook, I saw the ad for JLO’s upcoming concert in the summer. I was hesitant at first, I mean years ago I would have jumped on this opportunity, but like I mentioned, being in the city and going to a big concert like that alone might not be the best idea, but I think I owe to myself to close that era of my life by supporting the woman who I loved watching evolve over the years. Through her movies and music, I always saw JLO as a dreamer of love, much like myself. So, I am going to the city and renting a hotel room and spending a night celebrating myself. (I will be sure to check in with friends and family throughout the night, so don’t worry).
I am turning 44 this year, and for the first time in my life, I am completely independent with my own home, car, career, friends and family after spending 20 years stuck in a loop in hospitals of the mental health system, and incarceration for 10 months thereafter. From a life spiraling downward for so many years, to bouncing back and making a success out of it – I realize that the “Love” I had been pining for so long, was all I needed to give to myself and no one else.
So, at three years sober, I will say “Cheers” (with a mocktail), and here’s to clean living and a bright future, and that difficult phase of life that I had to say goodbye to. I earned my stripes with it, and I needed to go through it to be where I am today. So, with that let me say thank you as well.
Stay tuned.
An Inspired Odyssey Through✨️Ink & Stardust✨️ 